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Well a couple of days have past and it’s time for me to evaluate my Christmas presents. I know it’s the thought that counts so I have put some thought into the gifts that I have received and I have accumulated the following mental notes to show that I really care individually about the gifts that were given to me. This Christmas was the most expensive in history for me as I made sure that I put this year’s rather large raise to good use and bought the kids expensive gifts for a change, so it is of course in my analytical interest to see how I made out. That’s what most normal people do right?

First and foremost the most fascinating thing that I received was an Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer. I have seen these things in the store before but never really thought much about them because of my strange fixation on pulling out my own hair anyway. I rip the stuff out from under my arm pits so that it doesn’t get all painful when I wear a wet suit surfing, so it never meant much to me to simply pluck out my nose hairs when I am driving down the road. Hey, some people sing, other people yell at the talk radio stations, I pull out my nose hairs, who are any of us to judge anyway? Now the most fascinating thing about this nose hair trimmer is that it came with a comb just like my beard and mustache trimmer. This of course leads me to wonder if there are people out there that like to style their nose hairs, or perhaps get some braids or dreadlocks going out of it. I am also quite fascinated to know if people can actually grow it to a length that this would become effective.

It doesn’t run in my family unfortunately but my grandfather really was starting to grow new mustaches around his ears, and I never actually saw him combing them out. Ear hair plucking I usually reserve for home though because it hurts like a bastard and I don’t want people to see me crying as I drive down the street, it’s not like plucking nose hairs after all. I did actually try to use the thing this morning so that I could at least see what the whole “trimming the nose hairs” craze was all about, and needless to say it went about as well as when I shaved my legs for Halloween. The stupid thing grabbed onto a chunk of inner nose flesh and wouldn’t let go after it seized up, so the humiliation of having to go and get my daughter to help me unlock the thing was one for the ages. I just hope the hairs I got don’t do that whole “growing in thicker” thing my parents told me about growing up because quite frankly it would have made 10 years of ripping the things out with my fingers worthless.

The grandmother {Greektradgedius Inyiddish} had her best gift buying year ever for me and I have to give her the props. She managed to get me 3 pairs of pants {wranglers my favorite} that all fit me and two sweat shirts {Starter .. my new favorite because they are even better than Haines} which were baggy enough to conceal my looming belly issue {went from a 30 waist to a 32 this year … lazy bastard} and for that I was eternally grateful. The kids got me a South Park calendar which will come in perfect since the wickedly witch of Human Resources came down and took my calendar with the half naked women on it. That calendar was actually given to me by one of the vendors that we do a lot of business with, but she wouldn’t accept my explanation that they would be offended to not see it hanging in the office. Even after I told her that it would cost us a million dollars in business, she would probably be fired and then forced to be a bag hag in Dorchester over it. You just can’t reason with that woman. There aren’t any half naked women on this calendar but she’ll find a reason to hate it, I assume even though she let me keep the Budweiser one despite the completely naked horses all over it. Seriously it’s pretty obvious that the woman is into depraved beastiality and I’m offended, but the company all knows about it now because of my e-mail.

My aunt {Greek Tradgedius Intraining} gave me the usual, a carton of smokes and a gift card to Dunkin Donuts {love ya auntie} which I have already used most of both, so those definitely meet with my approval. The uncle on the other side {name not given and I choose not to use the words my father calls him} gave me a personal favorite gift … CASH. My ex wife, her mother, her step father, her girlfriend and the rest of their family gave me a gift card to Dunkin Donuts. We have to call this one a real loss because I got each of them the Dunkin Donuts gift basket and gift cards, phooey! I’ll conveniently forget all of their birthdays anyway so that should make up for it. They all get brownie points anyway for spoiling the kids rotten, which is what Christmas really is about. The in-laws {for lack of a better word} aren’t even related to my kids but I can’t say it enough that they have adopted them all as their own. They were just happy to still be invited to Christmas morning breakfast, and couldn’t say enough about it, and my poor former mother in law still gets rather tongue tied around me because she never knows what to say. The best gift that she probably could have given me though was after the ex-wife had walked out to leave she came back in real quick like a fox and looked me strait in the eyes when she said “I’m sorry that I am always uncomfortable around you, but I want to thank you for being the perfect man for my daughter. I also want to thank you for sharing your children with us and helping me to accept the choices she made,” and turned around almost as if she was embarrassed to leave. I don’t even know if she heard me say the only thing that came to my mind at the moment which was “Thank You” ;8o)

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Well I was afforded a bit of ME time this morning which I decided to dedicate to a very important hobby of mine, skirt watching in downtown Portsmouth. The day isn’t all that cold, and I was rather impressed to see that all the ladies took their legs out of winter storage and were displaying them proudly for me on their way to work. It’s good for this time of year because usually I think the fact that I can’t girl watch as heartily this time of year as I had over the summer always interferes with my moods. Today is like a total recharge for my soul. Those who have read my entries before probably already know the one thing that often interferes with drooling over business skirts in downtown and like any good tragedy so shall it today, “We have to find you a girlfriend, because you’re really pathetic sitting here looking like a love sick moron,” came the familiar words from behind me.

“I thought it was my job to find you women, or at least convert them for you,” I said without even looking behind me. The words of the girlfriend of my last wife are commonplace around here as she does happen to work across the street from my favorite place to girl watch {and yes I am jealous that she has a work view of the legs here from her desk thank you very much} which often makes her take a “smoke break” even though she doesn’t smoke. I think I am her entertainment actually which is not rare amongst me and lesbians to whom I have always had a certain “Rock Star Wig” status in the area. “Why didn’t you come to Christmas this year, you know we were kinda hoping for you to be there?” I added before she sat down next to me on the bench.

“It’s every girls dream to watch her girlfriend dote over their ex husband and their kids, but I decided to go hang with my parents,” she pointed to a really hot woman wearing very sheer stockings for this time of year {and yes I would have been crying like a baby had I missed it} and gave me the thumbs up. She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to help me pick out a girlfriend which seemed rather odd because I didn’t think that Wal-Mart sold those anymore. “Look I read your stuff on that blogger site and you are pathetic. You used to have like 50 hotties {word I taught her} commenting you up a day, and now you just write about angry stuff,” she pointed to another one wearing pants but shaped like the Venus, “You’re a pretty cool guy, but you hate yourself so much it really starts to get the best of you.”

I hate it when she simply gets all honest on me when I am trying to perv, it kinda takes all the fun out of it even if she can keep an eye on the other directions for me. “I happen to have very bad taste in women, so it is safer to buy porn and watch girls as they go by, and you’ve known that for a couple of years now. You can’t even imagine how much it sucks keeping your kids from having to see you with a different woman all the time. They lived through that crap with their mother, and let’s face it ‘Single Daddy’ is only a turn on for about 2 weeks, especially when you won’t introduce them to your kids. That pisses them off to no avail, and I am too old for that bullshit. You should know about as well as anyone thank you,” I said with the best fake grin I have ever used, and even tried to do it without sounding bitter. Factually speaking women piss me off, and that’s one of the big reasons I like just looking at them and working on being civil, but she’s opened herself up for this so she’s going to get it now, “You fucking have two types of women in this world making the rest of you look bad and I happen to attract them both. You have those that want a nice man with no kids to spoil them and treat their kids like gold, and you have the ones that think they want to take care of the idiot father with his kids and get sick of it because they are fickle!”

“Bitches, but wouldn’t a woman with a set like that be a nice chew toy,” she threw in mid rant, to totally throw me off my game, which had me grinning over the thought of “chew toy” but of course she had to continue, “Just try not to marry the next one til at least the third date and you might do alright,” my look didn’t make her very comfortable, “Ok seriously, you are a pretty cool guy, we talk about this all the time, and tell you what I am going to do, I’m going to ruin your favorite excuse and tell you that any time that you want to go out on a date, we got the kids for the night,” which made my mind churn a bit over the concept of freedom before she added, “We talked about it and want to take the kids New Years Eve and all day New Years day for you, so you can’t just sit at home and blame the kids,” and with that she gave me a smile that really does remind me of the one that the Grinch used in the Dr Suess book.

I actually caught myself searching my pea of a brain to try to find an excuse to not need them, and in the end of the very short conversation in my mind merely said “Thanks” and guided my attention to the really tall {I mean a foot taller than me with the heels at least} brunette that she was elbowing me into seeing. Again she wasn’t in a skirt, but for this time of the year it was a nice sight. The Silent Bob of the lesbian community made her way back to work as I was still sitting there pondering a night of freedom and absolutely nothing to do with it. Hell even if I sat home alone it is still peace and quiet for a change, and who can complain about that? Ok don’t answer that I can complain about anything and I know that already … sheesh ;8o)

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So now another Christmas has befallen us. Another year older, not much wiser, and I am bout to go upstairs to watch the lunatics running the asylum for their one day a year like they always do. It’s kinda sad really because the only thing I really find myself closer to is that magical day that I get to put the golden footprint on Imtoocutus’s ass {11 years and 8 months exactly but who’s counting} and start running for wherever. The kids are most likely staying over at their grandparents tonight so I am planning to go see that James Bond movie I have been dying to see after I drop them off, and now it is just a matter of waiting for the family to show up. I’m writing this while I am cooking all of the bacon and sausage for the traditional “Jeremy Cooks Us Food … Ug … Food Good” thing that I do for Christmas, and will probably finish the rest after I drop the kids off.

Needless to say I am out of that monster depression that always leads me into the Christmas holiday, and now I am sort of just biding my time for today to get over with. I reread the last three blog entries {my Christmas Story for this year} again and I am actually kind of impressed with it, so that is a good thing. I haven't lost it completely yet. Who knows what is coming next but it probably won’t be that bad. Last years Christmas was probably the most subdued I had had in a long time, but during that one I was of a different mindset then I am now believe it or not. It’s kinda funny but at this time last year I had woken up to see that my blogs were in the top 5 on Myspace for a solid week {and I didn’t know yet that it was going to be number 1 on Christmas day itself} as well as on 360. Course I didn’t realize either that I was going to get my account banned on Yahole 360 {even if I was trying like a bastard LOL} and going to have a total sick of it all meltdown on Myspace within the next month either. It’s funny how these things work themselves out in the end. I did decide a couple of days ago that I was going to start reposting a lot of my writings here just for shits and giggles since I am still trying to fix all of them on my own website. The sound of footsteps, I shall be back to finish this after I drop the kids off in the Peoples Republic of Maine later.

Well it’s amazing how things change in my world as I just got back from East Bum Maine, and uploaded the photos to my home page and to CherryTap. The kids decided to have a mutiny about staying at their grandparent’s house and now they are coming back tonight. This of course places the tag of “Whenever” on it which cancels the movie {even though as I come to think of it the whole “sitting at a movie alone” thing was probably equally as pathetic as sitting here all night waiting for the kids to get home} that I was really hoping to see. Ah the life of a single father who married into the family from Deliverance. EX3 showed up without her significant other because apparently they were having a Tift about whose family they were going to spend Christmas with. Now mind you she chose MY family and brought her family along, which I guess makes us pretty special but you can see it in her eyes that she wasn’t happy about spending a second Christmas without her sig. This of course brings up that whole sickening complex of a man that has to feel sorry for a woman who divorced him because she misses the woman that she left him for. Actually never mind that is very Andy Warhol and rather amusing as I read it.

My Uncle had shown up without his wife which is rather strange so she must be going through one of those spells where she finds people scary, which happens quite often but she’s been a lot better lately. The cousin I hate {the actress … yeah!} my other aunt, and her husband who I introduced to her because she was my oldest child’s Godfather showed up extremely late as usual. A bit of background is as follows. The oldest child being not mine biologically or even by adoption when I introduced the two of them, and then married each other after I had finally broken free of the Clampits out in Maine, and thus placing me back in that clan. Actually that confused me too don’t worry about it. I did actually inherit him in the divorce though and he’s a very good guy and treats my aunt like a fairy princess which was what she needed after a horrible 20 year marriage to one of those men that doesn’t like sports but likes to hunt {meaning the classic definition of an ubra-asshole} and I have been pretty accepting of it all. I didn’t fall into last years trap of waiting for them so not only were the kids toys all unwrapped but put away by the time they had gotten here. Score one for the Superdaddyman!

Everything actually went quite well for the most part and I actually got everyone out of here and was on the road to take the kids to Maine a half hour early, and had at least negotiated that they make the drive back with them. The ex wife was drunk when I got there and was wearing her sluttiest little skirt with the tops of her thigh highs showing {and yes I noticed having gone well over a year without a date, and she is still very hot} and I managed to avoid any of the drunken hugs {score 2 for the Daddyman … Hi Five!} while escaping out the door. Nothing like an hour and a half drive home though to really make you think. It’s one of those rare times that I am alone, yet just as lonely as when I am not. I know it’s the whole ritual of the belief that I have all the love in the world as my kids force it upon me but I do spend a ridiculously long time in limbo waiting for everything to simply pass. I don’t exactly know why or when I lost that ability to seize each moment as it was so worthy of being lived but I have and it just makes me wonder some days. My Mojo is in there I just need to find it.

Well with that said I am going to go assemble the things I got for the kids without them pawing at them while I try to do it, and then hopefully sit down and create something mildly artistic. I had to seriously give up on all of that during the hell weeks leading up to Christmas and I am sure that it hasn’t helped my attitude at all. I have my 2 Dunkin Donuts gift cards, my carton of smokes, and a can of cashews that I got for Christmas to get me through the next few days, and I don’t have to go back to work for another week and two days. What more could anyone want? Don’t ask I’d probably start a list ;8o)

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After touch down of Air Force One, the Superdaddyman and The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s hop off the plane to see the smoke of the Penguins secret fortress. It’s a bit nippy out but this is the sunny part of the year down here at least. “Stay with me gang we need to attack …” and before the sentence could be finished Captain ADHD and MiniEvil took off screaming towards the fortress. “Well so much for a sneak attack,” the Superdaddyman quipped as he started after them with Imtoocutus and Notsocutus right along side him, Lazius Boycrazius and Instagatorus Boycrazius lagging behind whining about it being too far. “When we get there you ladies all know your role while those two are creating the diversion!”

“What in the name of … Hey … Don’t touch THAT! … Where the hell did they go!!!!” comes echoing over the hill to the secret fortress as captain ADHD and MiniEvil use their blinding mastery of the Martial ADHD all over them. As the gang graces the top of the hill and looks past the mountain of mismatched socks they can see the little streaks of light flashing around the inside from the screaming around that the two of them are doing.

Down the hill goes running the Superdaddyman carrying the fiendishly evil Imtoocutus and Notsocutus {hey they are 6 they get sick of walking pretty fast} and they are at the bottom when they hear from back at the top of the hill, “Hey there’s my favorite sock!” come out of the mouth of Lazius Boycrazius and the pounding footsteps of a charging angry Teenager on the hill as she yells “Oh it is so on now Bitch!!” on her way past the Superdaddyman and the little evils’s. Istigatorus Boycrazius right behind her {you know followers at that age} screaming out obscenities of her own. Hell hath no fury like a couple of angry girls who lost their accessories and have realized it so “all of a sudden” as they go crashing through the door knocking it off of the hinges, “You sock stealing little Bitches, I’m going to …” and the rest was muffled out by the sounds of fists hitting penguin flesh. Boys might seem tough but there is nothing tougher than a 14 year old girl having a visit from her friend after all.

Upon entering the Fortress the leader of the wicked penguins points strait at Superdaddyman, “I knew only you could stoop this low Superdaddyman!!” he then deflects a blow from Lazius Boycrazius to start running towards the back door, just to have the way be blocked by Imtoocutus and Notsocutus. “What the hell are you two going to do to me, you’re the only two hear that are actually smaller than me and I don’t find either of you all that cute!” which was met with a “Why” by Imtoocustus. “Because I am evil!” the penguin leader responded which drew a “Why” from Notsocutus. “Because all penguins are … OUCH!” he screeches out as Instagatorus Boycrazius grabs him by the neck and Lazius Boycrazius starts scratching his face frantically. “Ok that’s it! Bring me the weapons!!!!” he yells out.

It was diabolical in its execution, but the penguins must have prepared for this. A gang of little penguins came from the other side of the door dragging an X-Box and wide screen which they set up against the wall which immediately turned the two chaotic blurs that were screaming around the room initiating chaos into mind numb zombies on the floor in front of it. The look of horror on Superdaddyman’s face told the whole story as he watched his own interrogation and sedation tactics being used against him! The next pile of penguins came out with large piles of designer clothes and shoes and tossed them on the floor. The two “enforcers” of the crowd were gone in a second and trying to pull the different clothes out of each other’s hands. When the penguins threw Chocolate into the pile Superdaddyman knew he was cooked because Imtoocutus and Notsocutus were off like a broken lightbulb too. “So Superdaddyclown,” the penguin leader begins, “I never thought it would be so easy to get you here and finally take care of our ‘other’ little problem at the same time!” he said right before a pile of penguins with bats started pummeling our Caped Pervader.

When he came to, the Superdaddyman found that he was tied to a rather large table. He can’t help but think how tacky this truly is, but that’s what you get for taking on a renegade gang of penguins after all. How in the name of God is Superdaddyman going to show his face at the PTA meetings again after enduring a very bad James Bond scene with a bit of Scooby Doo thrown in with it? “So what the hell do you think you’re going to do with me now Penguins?” the Superdaddyman yells out to the echoes of his own voice. “Do you expect me to talk?”

“Oh geeze Superdummyman! Who the hell is living in a James Bond movie now … Well No Superdaddydork I expect you to die” the penguin leader yells out with a huge tone of mockery in his voice. Superdaddyman looks at the ceiling in shock as he wonders how the penguin read his mind like that. “I read the script you idiot!” the penguin responds as if to his very thoughts.

“So then you know that you are going to torture me then?” the Superdaddyman exclaims. “You wouldn’t even think to stoop that low you diabolical piece of filth!” Superdaddyman then adds.

“Oh you bet I will, because I have resell rights on all of the video tapes!” the penguin yells back with a fiendish cackle, “and the torture scene alone is worth at least a million copies! I changed it around a bit because I didn’t like that whole ending with you being the hero and all. Of course being diabolically evil has it’s draw backs like thinking up stooped things to say so that I can talk your ear off, but then again that is how the ‘lesser’ evil doers get caught!” he claps his hands together and yells out “Commence with the torture!”

Superdaddyman lifts his head enough to see the door open across from him and a scantily clad brunette walk through it. The horror on Superdaddyman’s face can only mean one thing! It’s the Mother of all the Evils’s {MAE} and she has that look in her eye! She also happens to have the black thigh high stockings and the bustier that tells Superdaddyman that she means business too! It’s always been Superdaddyman’s Kryptonite to see a hot pair of legs in stockings, but this is beyond the type of torture that Superdaddyman can even handle. She’s doing that walk that gets him super hot too, as she gets that hot little grin when she sees {very very obviously from a bit south of the belly button} that her little strip show on the way to the table is working too! Oh the agony of those tight jeans that Superdaddyman had to wear in hopes that Condi would check out his ass … ACK! “You know you want to Superdaddyfool! And you know that she is going to punish you with every womanly way that she has … MUAHAHAHAHA!” the penguin barks out at Superdaddyman.

“Never!” Superdaddyman kind of squeaks instead of yells but after clearing his throat he continues, “I don’t want to taste the thousands of men that have touched her last week alone, and knowing her she has showered since 4000 men ago!” but of course it trails off as her silky toes start gliding along the Superdaddycalf. The agony of it all starts to be revealed in the face of the Superdaddyman as he turns his head and closes his eyes tight while biting his tongue.

BANG! The sound of a chunk of the roof being smashed in makes TME jump off of the Superdaddyman, and the thunderous noise of hoofs hit the ground. It’s RUDOLF!! And he is fucking PISSED! Contrary to what people have heard about Rudolf you see he isn’t exactly the cute and cuddly of all the reindeer. Quite the contrary actually since he was stopped for his third DWI back in the seventies he had to serve a few years in the pen where he lifted weights, and learned how to make a good shiv so he really is pretty bad ass. His nose is still red but then again the big Tribal tattoo on his shoulder kinda makes up for it. His immediate charge at the penguin leader knocks him and the table over and Rudolf keeps smashing through everything until the leader of the penguins is completely outside with Rudolf beating the ever loving crap out of him {as you would too if the last thing you remember was a bat by this clown against your head} and the rest of the penguins started funneling outside to try to break up the mêlée.

Superdaddyman was none to slow getting up and running for the back door when his hands were finally free. Once on the other side he saw the rest of the evils’s still droned out by their new things, except for the two little evils’s who had fallen asleep from all the excitement. Superdaddyman being no dummy decided that it was best to leave them all here until he got Santa as they probably are about ready to turn on him anyway, so he proceeded past the next door where Santa was tied up to a chair with one of those red balls in his mouth, and a black leather mask on. These penguins really are a suck bunch let me tell ya, but there were two penguins in here working Santa over still. Upon seeing the Superdaddyman they immediately started running towards him which was rather stupid because Superdaddyman simply moved and they went sliding out the door which Superdaddyman then closed behind them. The floors are ice after all.

Immediately Superdaddyman removed the mask and the red ball from Santa, and he just started yelling out, “Oh the things your ex wife did to me, and the smell!” his gagging for air as he was fighting to get his hands free while Superdaddyman untied his hands, “Geeze, she’s cute in that thong and all but I’d get her a shower for Christmas if she was ever a good girl. Blech!” he then grabs his hat and throws it on and bellows “Let’s get the hell out of here before I forget that I am a Saint!” as he then kicks in the door to where the Reindeer are being kept, “Come on guys we have to get all of those socks and remote controls and bring them back with us. We can’t let those little bastards win!”

Outside there was a big pile of penguins next to the big pile of socks. Rudolf was standing there with one leg raised urinating on the leader of the elves when Santa spoke up, “Rudolf! What have I told you about gloating?” Santa then looks over at one of the other elves and then adds “That’s just disgusting!”

The evils’s 8 million socks 3 million remote controls and Superdaddyman all squeezed into the sleigh quite easily as Santa does have the Lincoln Navigator of sleighs after all, and with that the Jolly Old Elf whips at the reins while the reindeer start running down the ice to a perfect take off. Superdaddyman is glad to get this over with and get back to Megalopolis, “it’s just a bit to warm down South here” he says to Santa as they both start chuckling. Santa has been lecturing the evils’s on the values of being naughty or nice, and it’s a good thing to see them stare at him like he’s an idiot as well, but the Superdaddyman couldn’t help but chuckle as Santa told them that he’s going to go easy on them this year because they whooped ass Santa Style ;8o)

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Meanwhile back in Megalopolis in the Superdaddycave everyone’s favorite Super Villain turned Crime fighter is tapping away at his faithful computer friend {probably writing porn the pervert} when the super secret red phone goes off on his desk. There is a look of bewilderment upon the face of the Superdaddyman as the dust is forming on that phone since the person who is usually on the other end has told the Superdaddyman once and for all that he wants to hear no more talk about the penguins which of course made the Superdaddyman assume that the world can have what it gets for being so ignorant to the plight of true evil! After the third annoying beep the Superdaddyman finally gives in and picks up the phone, “Hello Mr. President, to what do I owe this honor,” with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

“Hey SD, this is Dubya,” the voice on the other end starts off with making the Superdaddyman have a bit of Déjà vu since he could have sworn he had already acknowledged that it was the President, “We have a serious emergency here that is in immediate need of your help. The ramifications of it threatens the very world as we know it, and I just want to be the first to say that you were right all along about the penguins!” which of course opened up the ears of the Caped Pervader a little more wide at this point. “The world is in great turmoil and we couldn’t think of anyone else to contact, but you see it appears that the penguins have kidnapped Santa …”

“Kidnapped Santa!” the Superdaddyman blurted out, “He’s one of the toughest Mo’s out there! How could they do that if he went all Santa Fu on their asses,” Superdaddyman paused a moment and then added, “It was their Christmas gift from me last year, I got a discount on the lessons.”

“I don’t know how it happened really, but I got a frantic call from Mrs. Claus and then organized the scrambling of Air Force One to come and get you. Condi is going to brief you on everything, and she is wearing a pantsuit so don’t think it’s another excuse to gawk at her legs, this is important stuff Superdaddyman!” the President takes a moment and then says, “I have to go because Spongebob Squarepants is coming on in a bit, but I want you to think about that old saying that ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend’ because you are going to need all the help you can get in this one. Do it for your country and all of the little evils’s out there that are counting on you!” and with that the receiver on the phone clicked.

Superdaddyman sat sullen for a moment as he sat staring at the computer screen. He knew what the President meant, and he didn’t know if he was up for having to face two beasts in one evening, but the very fate of Christmas depended on him. More over, in this case in particular, the very enemy that he had been entrusted in protecting the people of Megalopolis from, without a doubt was the only hope to help save Santa. They are after all very big fans of Santa Claus themselves and probably would be able to put aside their petty differences with the Superdaddyman to help save Father Christmas, and then we all could part enemies once again to do battle another day. As the Superdaddyman opens his trusty communication device {AOL Instant Messenger} he sends out the call for a treaty negotiation and a “sit down” so that perhaps they can figure out what to do next, and then get over to the base to meet Air Force One even if Condi isn’t wearing a skirt.

“I’ve called you all here today to talk about combining our Super Powers to help the human race, and perhaps save Christmas,” the rumblings after the thought of saving the human race ended the moment saving Christmas had come out. “You see the penguins …” which brought Superdaddyman to a stop as the gang started hissing. Even The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s {TOKE} has lost a favorite sock, or the remote control once or twice and is not too enamored with the evil Penguins at all, “You see the Penguins have kidnapped Santa Claus,”

Upon those words it was all that Captain ADHD {the diabolical mastermind behind TOKE} could take as he slammed his fist on the table “Those big Meanie Heads! If they think that they can get away with harming Santa, then I will get them!” which immediately had the rest of the TOKE brood making gestures of agreement immediately. The Superdaddyman is no dummy of course and finds it all to be a little too easy that his sworn enemies would so easily be persuaded to join forces with him, but it is Santa Claus after all.

“We will need all of you in on this to make the mission complete. Lazius Boycrazius and Instigatorus Boycrazius will be the muscle of the operation. Captain ADHD and Mini Evil will be in charge of the beguilement maneuvers. Imtoocutus and Notsocutus will be in charge of creating the cover of noise. You’re all in on this right because Air Force One is waiting for us on the other side of Megalopolis, and there will be no turning back once we get going?” which created the nod of agreement that starts the whole Quest to save the big guy we shall call Operation Save Christmas {OSC} and hopefully will succeed with hardly any casualties.

Walking onto Air Force One was a big deal to the Superdaddyman {he’s thinking that he can still get a view of Condi’s ass after all} and the evils’s of course just made a b-line for all of the most expensive looking things so that they could start tossing them around. The words of the Secretary of State were the first thing that Superdaddyman was greeted with as he walked into the living area of Air Force One, “Don’t stare at my ass either, this is an important mission and I don’t want you to get side tracked!” she immediately blurted out to the long face of Superdaddyman. “We’re going to get you to the South Pole and you all are going to take it from there. Um … why are you all wearing T-Shirts and jeans?” she looked them all over with a puzzled look on her face, “You do realize it is about 60 degrees below zero at the South Pole right?”

“That’s all, damn! Hey you guys get out your tank tops I thought it was going to be like Buffalo, but apparently it’s going to be a lot warmer,” the Superdaddyman yelled out to the back of the plane on deaf ears, as the evils’s were too busy breaking things and getting germs all over everything left intact. Once a terrorist always a terrorist, but the Superdaddyman looks back at Condi and says, “Now that that’s settled why don’t we sit over her and you can cross your legs and let me see a little ankle?” which gets a groan from the Secretary. “Fine we’ll do it your way, I’ll just sneak peeks at things when you aren’t looking, I was just trying to make it easy on you.”

“I don’t think you are capable of taking anything seriously are you?” she said and then decided to add, “Never mind, you’re going to the South Pole to foil a diabolical scheme by a bunch of penguins and save Santa Claus, I should get my head examined,” then she lifted up her pant leg to show Superdaddyman a little calf, “I will deny this if you tell anyone,” she then said under her breath as she walked by the Superdaddyman which of course got him hot … To be continued

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A long way from the North Pole in a different type of workshop at the farthest south place that anyone could possibly find themselves from the Jolly Old Elf of Christmas, past the mountain of unmatched socks lives the very Anti-Santa’s that plague the world while the ladies call them “cute!” It has been a long existence of one evil plot after another {which brings us back to all those socks that they had stolen from everyone’s dryers} which has brought them to this point, the very season of what shall be their most fiendish plot of all time, the very theft of Christmas itself! You all obviously know who I am talking about in this fiasco as the fiendish Penguins and their scheme to spread misery!

“364 days a year we do what is necessary to rob the human race of any joy! We steal one of their socks! We break into their cars and turn the volume to max for when they start it up! We even go as far as to make sure that the lid is always left up on their toilet seats, and all of their mayonnaise jars are too damn tight!” the head of the evil penguin gang rants. “No matter how hard we try, and how close we come, that fat asshole from up north goes around and gives out toys and joy and totally recharges all of the humans that we so dutifully tried to make miserable!” Of course it is without fail that the ranting penguin is being reassured by the other penguins around him. “This shall be our year! This will be the time that we have all waited for! I have the very plan that will take down the spirits of the entire human race once and for all!” he shouted while pounding his fist, and the “Ooo’s and Ahhh’s” of the other penguins. “We shall kidnap Santa Claus!”

The gasps from the crowd of penguins as they all look around the piles of remote controls that they have all stolen over the years, some tripping over piles of lost {ha ha} toys, when another penguin finally yells out, “I can make us elf disguises! He’ll never see us coming!” and the thunderous cheers from the rest of the Penguin hive echo out throughout the South Pole. “This plan can’t fail, and then I would love to see how those humans get all joyous without their hero Santa Claus!”

The penguins started furiously working on their “less than thought out” plan, but that is how penguins operate after all. The penguins in the sweat shops started slaving over their sewing machines that they haven’t used since they tried the whole Leprechaun scandal in Ireland, but this time they are taking to it with a renewed vigor. They sewed up the little hats, and the little green jackets, and the little brown pants. To finish off the whole costume they even made little red noses and big pointy ears {because penguins don’t have ears silly} so they could disguise themselves as elves. They are a rascally lot those fiendish little penguins. They never even considered the thought of getting to the North Pole because as we all know as we have checked our dryers and scurried to change the volume on our car stereos that the Penguins have their ways of getting around. Upon completion and sizing they all stood around donning their rather sad looking elves costumes and the leader of the penguin clan read from a checklist that one of the other penguins had compiled while they organized the dastardly plot.

The penguin shouted out “Milk?” to which one of the voices in the crowd replied with a check, “Cookies?” which also received the same reply. “What the hell is the carrot for anyway?”

“That nosey little bastard Rudolf likes those I hear!” shouted out a voice in the back which had all of the penguins chattering in agreement, “The last thing we want is that stupid nose of his going off when we are corning in on the fat man do we?”

“We all know the hard part is going to be getting that old jerk here, has anyone thought about the transportation scenario?” which had him looking back and forth throughout the crowd of dumbfounded penguins. Looking around some more he finally gets that look on his face, you know the one that shows the pure evil that penguins truly are comprised of, “I have the perfect way of getting that big red oaf here, so one of you guys get me the bottle of Vodka!”

Meanwhile back at the North Pole the Jolly Old Elf himself was frantically walking back and forth checking his list and then of course checking it again. He picks up a toy here and he picks up a toy there, and the elves are running around frantically trying to get the toys finished because after all Christmas is only 4 days away. It’s crunch time in the land of Joy and Holly, and none of the Elves that hang out in this pole would ever want to let the children down. As they were running hilly nilly, the sound of a gigantic whistle goes off, and the elves all put down what they are working on. Santa’s Shop is not like the shop of the evil Penguins after all as they all have Union cards. Many of them start pulling out their smokes, and others start heading toward the coffee machine, but for the most part they all leave the workshop about as fast as they were working a minute or so previous. Santa being management keeps checking his list, and of course again while looking at toys. After about 15 minutes the whistle goes off again, and the elves start sauntering back in, and start taking up positions around the shop.

“Pipkin? What happened to the Barbie Doll for that little girl in Abu Dhabi?” but after no response for a minute or so, he walks over and taps the elf on the shoulder. “Pipkin? The Barbi Doll?”

“Uh ..” the little elf looked at Santa with vacant eyes, and then starts up again, “Um … I lost it,” and then looked away really quickly before Santa could get a good look at him, and then he tried to wander away.

“Pipkin? Are you feeling ok? Your voice sounds pretty strange.” Santa asked the elf as he tried to walk away but the only thing he heard in return was from someone behind him, that yelled out “Fuck this … Get HIM!!” and he felt a pig pile of little elves pounce on him.

Now most people of course don’t realize {which means that penguins are probably less likely to realize} that Santa is a pretty tough Mo. You try lugging around billions of toys each year without getting a bit muscled, and with that Santa stood up and started throwing penguins everywhere. “You little assholes! I knew you penguins couldn’t go for long without trying to screw with the Claus!” With that he kicked another one strait in the nuts. “Time for Santa to get all North End on your wicked little asses!” Santa then grabbed another one and threw him square into the wall before the penguin leader hits him over the head with a baseball bat.

“That’s the problem with these humans, they never shut up!” the leader of the penguins yells out as he stands on Santa. “Have you guys got the transportation all set?”

“Yeah boss, the reindeer are trashed. They couldn’t even make it through that whole bottle of Smirnoff, I was thinking about taking advantage of Blitzen, God did SHE get the right name ….”

“Look I don’t want to hear about it, just drag Santa to the Slay and lets fly his sad ass back to the South Pole!” barked out the leader of the penguins. The scurrying penguins came back to life for the moment as they began to drag Santa to his own sleigh where eight drunken reindeers were laughing about the penguins dragging Santa Clause. Rudolf was laying there knocked unconscious {look at that red nose and tell me that he doesn’t have quite the tolerance to booze … he’s practically a Kennedy!} and seeing little stars.

When the elves finally recovered from their own throttling they ran to get Mrs. Clause who was out getting a facial, and a pedicure, and was not very happy as the elves came barging in during her mango scrub, “You mean to tell me that those penguins from down south kidnapped Santa?” she exclaimed with a bit of disbelief, “Didn’t he go all Santa-Fu all over them?” she then added as she remembered all of the classes that they got from a friend last year.

“Oh he was all Mid-Evil Santa on them Mrs. C, like back when he wore white and kinda looked like Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings movies, but one of them whacked him with a bat like they did to all of us!” the elf exclaimed to her, as he watched her reach into her bag to grab her cell phone. “Um … Ok … like they did to one of us and the rest fainted,” he then added after her stern glance.

“Yes this is Mrs. Clause up at the North Pole, and we have an emergency here. Santa’s been kidnapped by those damn penguins, and we are going to need the best of the best. I need you to get me Superdaddyman!” …. To be continued …

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Well this is going to be one of THOSE kind of blogs which probably should have a form of disclaimer on it and will NOT be keeping within the Christmas spirit for those of you that actually did have Ward and June Cleaver as your parents. Self analysis was the original dominating factor in my earliest writings, and at times it sort of creeps up on me as I am sitting here tapping on this keyboard, after literally destroying my bedroom and my office in an intense blinding rage. Four cigarettes, a very large cup of black coffee and the mind numbing noise of my new 18 Visions CD, I am comfortable enough in my own skin to write about the Christmas tradition of depression. This is not an easy subject and it might float around a bit, and hopefully someone will relate. If not, fuck ya, I am writing this for me.

I’ve ranted on and on over the last two years about the depression and the panic attacks and I have scratched a bit at the surfaces of what it is that makes Christmas so bad in my mind. The fact that people have glowered over that bullshit notion that the typical American family all loves each other and has a wonderfully joyous time on the holidays. This shit old fallacy was destroyed in me at such a young age that it became a common drinking joke throughout all of my famous years when I was the town drunk, that any representation of myself “growing up” has been marred not only by my own inability to give my own children that bullshit illusion of normalcy as well. Aside from pounding my fists on the wall and screaming how unfair it all is at the top of my lungs, I have bandied around the belief that I am a realist which in and of itself doesn’t lead one to the clean and happy thoughts that should be centered around such a joyous holiday. The progression of my holiday nervous breakdown has always been the same but this year unfortunately took on the twist of starting about a week early, and has been kicking the shit out of me in ways I didn’t want to admit, until now of course.

It’s a simple formulation really. The heightened responsibility followed by the shorter days, and all of the extra “things” that I have to be involved with because of the kids starts breaking down my immune system, and then I become exhausted. My horrible taste in women has pretty much abandoned all of these parental obligations to me alone, along with all of the extra work that is placed upon me because the factory shuts down, and I am basically the “caretaker” and then the depression of never seeing the end of this set in. Impending doom is the fuel that leaves anyone with a large deal of depression defenseless to the surroundings, and in people like myself who happen to suffer from some seriously stunted emotional issues it often manifests itself into an extreme rage that will then form a good sized temper tantrum. I have been used to this happening in the years previous about two days before Christmas and thus in my weakened emotional state I am able to squeak through the day itself and then isolate for the amount of time necessary to simply start the new year, back in a semi latent state of normalcy. Well normal for me anyway.

Since the depression set in a week early I was deluged with the exhaustion earlier, the emotional insecurities, and the miserable thoughts were not far behind and it and I was incapable of getting my usual “head start” on the things that I needed to do, just to get ready for the usual depression and exhaustion. It was a bit worse than that as well today as I was sitting in my car {as I always do} eating my lunch and listening to the radio. I found myself really starting to crest on my own self conscious anger over the topic of “Movies” that were out in the movie theatre, and the happily married fucking asshole that does the show talking about the movies that he went to see with his wife the night before, and then the other happily married fucking asshole talking about the other movies that had come out because the specifically went to different movies to compare notes. My mind started turning with Invidia as I was starting to flow into a blind stupor over the simple fact that I miss going to see movies. This goes far beyond the fact that I can’t get a date to go along with me, as I had realized a long time ago that people like myself just shouldn’t “date” anyway {and yes I know that is sad before anyone points it out to me ok?} but more so to the fact that I can’t be an adult whatsoever in my own life. It’s been well over a year since the last time I went on a date, but it has been almost that long since I was able to go to a movie that didn’t have talking cars or animation in general. I was getting so jealous of people that not only can go see the new James Bond film {and hearing how awesome it is doesn’t fucking help} or the new Rocky film, or any of these movies that I would just love to go see even if I were to sit there by myself. It’s the myself part that does it, and I realize that it is very selfish to be sitting at a keyboard typing about how I am just so sick of being a total slave to the land of the little people, and that’s life. I accept it, and of course the guilt over being selfish makes it that vicious cycle. The good news is that I starve myself when I am depressed and I am getting a bit pouchy these days.

This of course doesn’t help as today was to be the worst of the worst in all of my over-burdened “to do” days and I have been on the verge of a panic attack anyway anticipating the bullshit. I already knew that I had to stop at the bank on the way home, cash my paycheck, clean out my life savings of 269 dollars {yes I am giving that fucking old shrew hush money before I kill her and hide her in the woods behind the house} stop on the way home at Wal-Mart and pick up some poinsettias {which all looked like shit} and then pick up Captain ADHD so he can see HIS shrink! After which I have to go pick up Lazius Boycrazius from the Elementary school where she is the High School Buddy of an underprivileged youth {probably so that she can recruit him into some evil army} and deal with the little princess “Imtoocutus” during the whole affair. Needless to say that it was all amplified by the fact that the fire department dropped off all of the kids donated Christmas Gifts {I found out during the day} so I had to run home and get those hidden before any of them get home. During this process I managed to fall down the stairs {the cement ones} and made my vocabulary all that much more precious, and it was during this little part of the endeavor that I ended up tearing the door off the hinges {well first you get really angry, then after you start turning green and all your clothes start ripping open the rage is all you need baby!} and pretty much destroyed my entire downstairs domicile. What a fucking genius!!

The long and the short of it all is that everyone made it home alive, and I haven’t been bothered very much because I reek of “Don’t fuck with daddy today” which is a once or twice a year luxury, but I am on the verge of tears as I have to listen to the shrew robbing the children of their youth. Her screaming at them to be quiet is far more annoying then them being kids, and my own emotional state is not conducive to me dealing with this with my usual calm rationality that I wear as a mask most of the year. The moster is out from under the bed, and it would be of no use to anyone for me to use that to my advantage no matter how much anyone around me deserves it. Here’s to that slow crawl to the New Year, and hopefully to the salvation of my sanity once again. It may be a lot worse than I have seen it so far but I’m a scrappy little fucker;8o)

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The first thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Seeing my douche bag cousins, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Three spoiled rotten Evils’s. It was a long time for a reason, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Four cars parked on my lawn, Three spoiled rotten Evils’s, No let’s not see each other more often, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Five Broken Dishes! Four cars parked on my perfectly manicured lawn, Settle down kids it’s almost time, seeing my douche bag cousins, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Six different Christmas CDs I didn’t like last year, Five Broken Dishes! Did you have to squeal the tires on it? Stop being brats ok? Oh yeah they’re just great thanks! and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Seven more shirts that are to ugly to wear. Why didn’t we buy new Christmas tunes? I’ll Clean It Up! I know that’s how they do it up north Zeke! Make me cancel Christmas next year! I still look younger than you two pricks, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Eight hours before I can get my family to leave here, No the picture of the bunny is charming. Those chestnuts are burnt Nat. I Know Chinette! Did I forget to tell you last year not to park there? Stop whining about the X-Box! Yes I know you make more than me, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Nine days until I can send the kids back to school, No feel free to leave whenever you want. Oh yeah, I’m sure those Izod Lacoste’s are making a comeback. Frosty had melted YAY! No Just Heirlooms! Well next time I will get a valet. Maybe next year guys! I am THRILLED to see you too, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Ten days until the kids have broken all their toys, Boy I really think they should’t have whole weeks off in school do you? Well let me just pack some of this up for you and you can leave any time now. Um .. when have you ever seen me wear teal? Oh man Bing Crosby had to be gay! Eat That In The Kitchen! No it was only 200 dollars in lawn seed honest. Sit down and shut up! No I think you don’t need to move any closer, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Eleven different holidays demanding recognition, Can you guys maybe stop playing with that in the house? Oh God so when did you guys say you were going back to school? You know if you leave now you can beat the traffic? Well yeah I guess pink really might be my color. Look Rudolf is dead kids you can stop singing about him. Over The Table PLEASE! No you lined it up perfectly with the dead patch you made last year. Ok guys, cut it out or I’m calling Santa! I don’t care what college you two idiots went to! and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that really sucks to me .. Twelve radical leftist organizations suing Santa, Oh FUCK YOU and your Romahanakwansmas Ok? Darius Stop Throwing Your Sisters Snow Globe! Please take the kids WITH YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT! WHAT MADE YOU BUY THAT! WHITE CHRISTMAS THIS! NOT ON THE CARPET! GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN! THESE ROTTEN LITTLE BRATS! GOD I WANT TO KILL THEM!, and detangling the phony Christmas tree.

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As they all huddle by the mailbox this time of year waiting breathlessly in anticipation for that letter … THE letter that they always pray is coming in, I sit down in my office rat-a-tat-tatting at my keyboard because I could care less. Yeah Jeremy “Scrooge” Crow doesn’t wait by any mailbox for anything because even the good news isn’t that great around here. Usually it is bills, sometimes I get the cool new Columbia House CD {because I am a dork and let them just auto-deliver the new ones} and of course the stray “You are guaranteed credit” {for about 180 dollars in fees a year and an interest rate that would make your bookie proud} but this time of year Greektradgedius Inyiddish waits eagerly at the mailbox for that check from my father which is supposed to equate to MY Christmas present. She will then bitch, cry, moan, guilt, and be a total bloodsucking nightmare until I give most of it to her. Now why would anyone really look forward to this? Keeping in mind that I have accepted the lack of any manhood that I once had before I had children it all really compounds back to when I actually sold my soul to the devil, and I simply hang myself on the cross each and every day for it.

It goes back to when I first had my divorce to The Mother of all the Evils’s {TME} who had basically thrown me out and moved my replacement in the next day. You learn a lot as life goes on but people like myself always take the noble way, and often don’t know what really is the noble way. By walking out of that house the Martyr I had set myself up for a series of events that has me sitting in a basement typing my life on a computer and dreading my Christmas gifts every bit as much as buying them for others. My walking out like a gentleman set me up for my ex wife, and my kids living with a drug dealer, and half of my paychecks going to them every week, whether I liked it or not. Possession is nine – tenths the law in every court in the country, regardless of what a bad mother she was already starting to become. Oh well, I went insane anyway from the betrayal and was a danger to my own children for the next year despite my own responsibilities of paying my child support and seeing the kids every other weekend, and having to buy them new clothes and other things because the money I was sending was being wasted on booze and drugs. I went on, despite the bulimia {exercise variety … I wasn’t a gagger} and the Ephedra I was popping into my system like candy, I was supporting the kids and had my own house in it all but was having a hard time maintaining the house. My ex moved two hours away and again there was nothing I could do about it, and it was right before my kids birthdays.

Christmas Day of 2001 I finally lost it completely, and got into my Minivan and drove west until I ended up in a little town called Malta New York where I decided that I was going to start my life over again. I didn’t want to know anyone, but the people there were extremely friendly. I had taken up bowling and gotten pretty damn good at it and it is the 10 pin capital of the universe out there, so that was all I needed. I sold my house back in Portsmouth and bought my Grandmother’s house from her with the stipulation that she would live there for the rest of her life and every two weeks I would drive the 5 hours there, then the two hours past that and the two hours back with the kids and have a place to stay with them for my visitations. It was the only way to separate myself from the hellhole that I think New Hampshire truly is, and grow up a bit. She was in financial ruin because she never really could deal with living within her means, so by buying the house from her she didn’t have to pay the taxes {over 70} and I could avoid the capital gains, but again, that which I thought was noble was to be totally hampered by my own mistakes of the past and I never saw it coming.

I met the woman that was to be my next wife and we had moved in together when I went to pick up the kids right before my birthday and my ex-wife wanted to have a talk with me. She explained how my oldest daughter was abusing the two younger kids, and she was worried that she was going to hurt them really badly, and wanted me to take her back to New York with me, so I had a talk with the future EX3 about the whole situation. She knew that biologically Lazius Boycrazius was not my daughter but through adoption and the fact that she had known nobody other as her daddy, that I loved her and wanted to do the right thing. She was the one who actually gave me the strength to bring her back with us, and she has never left my custody since, but I really should have seen what was coming next, and I was blind to the real ramifications of what was going to happen. I asked the future Miss EX3 to marry me on my birthday {I asked her to be the best birthday present I ever had} and Lazius Boycrazius was in on it all, and she accepted and when we got home from the bowling alley that I asked her to marry me in {hey to us it was the Ritz damnit!} there was a message on my answering machine from my former mother in law. She wanted to tell me that she had the other two kids because TME was passed out drunk when Captain ADHD had burned down the apartment building that they lived in. Needless to say my thirty second birthday was pretty memorable.

I didn’t own a house anymore technically so I was forced to tell the future Miss EX3 that I had to go back to New Hampshire and take the kids away from TME, because it was obvious that, without Lazius Boycrazius there to take care of all of them they were in eminent danger at all times. I finally was willing to use every last penny I had to get them away from her. Thanks to the State of Maine using all of their resources to keep their welfare rolls in top form, it did cost me every penny I had. EX3 was a real trooper about it all as she came back with me, and we were eventually married. The kids despite the 5 appeals that TME was granted never left my home again and are in no eminent danger anymore as the State has told TME that she is a menace, and taken all custody from her. I never really had to say a word because; she would just walk into court each time and be my best witness. Unfortunately I was beholden to living in a house with two women, and despite what some people will say, that is no way to live your life. Again EX3 was a real trooper and lasted as long as she could with Greektradgedius Inyiddish dominating the house foolishly, never allowing any of the bills to go into our name, and of course myself simply withdrawing into my own world sick of the two of them fighting all the time and just wanting to just get to the end of it all. She left on Christmas Day two years ago, and I never could find it in my heart to blame her, despite the pain of it all.

Now the sad part of all of this is that Christmas has always been doomsday in my life. My family is a totally sick and twisted joke, so there really has been no joy since my mother left, but sometimes I can see the good moments my children have had, or I can remember back to the days when I was a Captain ADHD and I would wake up at 2am in the morning on Christmas day and go mental the whole morning until my parents woke up, but realistically this time of the year just sucks. I look at it all as responsibility, extra work, and no reward. I have managed to get a really good system going for how I distribute gifts that involves my credit card from the credit union. I fill it until it is exhausted and then gift giving is over. My kids having their birthdays a few months before Christmas usually has the thing about half full before Christmas so the gifts aren’t usually that extravagant, but this year thanks to a rather large raise at work I happened to have the thing empty in time to get really fabulous presents for the kids. Today when Greektradgedius Inyiddish was bitching about how I spent too much on the kids gifts this year {A computer for Captain ADHD, a TV with built in DVD and VCR for Imtoocutus, and A Zune for Lazius Boycrazius} she then interjected about how she needed my Christmas check from my father because she had to pay the taxes on the house, I looked her right in the face and said “Sorry, I used it to pay off my credit card already.” ;8o)

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So we all think we know a little something about Christmas do we? I have a bunch of lunatics in my family, and I don’t mean the side of my family tree that looks like a pole either, but that side that thinks tradition is the way to go. I often look back at the family that pretty much abandoned my subset which I think is still because my father had married outside the family, but I do remember those Thanksgiving rumbles that we always had. I mean if tradition is what people want as it pertains to Christmas then we should seriously take a look into what it looked like for about 19 of the centuries before this past one that we seem to call tradition. In realistic terms the half of my family that always seemed to start off with good intentions, and always seemed to end it off in the front yard beating the shit out of each other was more “traditional” than the crap I deal with now.

There are the two camps on Christmas really. You have the “Pagan Holiday” crowd, and the “Birth of Jesus” crowd who both lay claim to the holiday, but in reality they are both wrong, and I never make any friends by pointing this out. I’m not exactly a “friend magnet” anyway so allow me to elaborate. Most Europeans celebrated “Winter Solstice” because it had been long noted that they had made it through the brutal winter at that point, and the days were only going to get longer. It was for the most part a sun festival that marked the beginning process of rebirth. The Norse celebrations of Yule gave us most of the traditions that we incorporated into Christmas. Most notably the 12 days that are a direct descendent of the 12 days of Yule, which was the usual amount of time that the party “log” burned for. It was also the time of the year that the wine was ready and the cattle had to be slaughtered so that they didn’t have to be fed throughout the winter. That definitely fits the “flagpole” side of my family.

Of course the Romans celebrated Saturnia on December 25, and another festival around that time called Juvenalia as well, that carried the festivals of Christmas throughout the world for the next 17 or 18 centuries. The last of the Roman demi-Gods that dominated the time of the year was Mithra {The God of the Unconquerable Sun} who’s birthday was apparently on December 25. Of course the hodge podge of traditions that these Roman deities celebrations brought was nothing like what we call traditional today, but as I said it’s the difference between 17 centuries and barely more than 1. During Saturnia the slaves and the masters’ switched places and that one carried throughout Europe for most of the centuries as the poor would invade the homes of the nobility and eat and drink all of their food. Come to think of it that’s what my family does to me now damnit! Realistically though, the Christians really didn’t care much about the birth of Christ for a very long time. They were more concerned with the Easter holiday as the whole concept of Jesus as the “Savior” was through his death and rebirth. Pope Julius 1 decided to make the “official” birth of the Christ during the winter solstice despite the common belief that he was born in the Spring. By co-opting the festivals that were already set out he was able to simply bring everyone into Constantine’s dream of a Holy Roman Empire.

People did start going to church on Christmas as it was wished upon by the Catholic empire, but then immediately left and went on with the debauchery that had been instilled in them for the centuries previous. Raucous behavior, drunken partying and thievery were the only way that they knew to celebrate the time of the year and that wasn’t about to change any time soon. Again we are looking more towards the inbred side of my family when it comes to traditions, but more will be revealed as we go. I’m sure that most people are reading this and saying, “Damn, how come my Christmas is all boring and full of bad music and in-laws I never want to see then,” which of course leads me to the changing factor for Christmas in general. It had nothing to do with the church really because as with most churches, they were just happy that the people were walking in and dumping the cash in the till every Christmas. When Britain was reclaimed by Charles 2 the religious reform took place and Christmas was stripped of all decadence, except for the underground that would always defy King and Country. The pilgrims that left Britain for America were far more Orthodox than even than Oliver Cromwell, and outlawed Christmas outright. They never saw it as the birth of their God and more as the festival of debauchery that it really was. Christmas wasn’t even declared a federal holiday in the United States until 1870 and was a congressional workday up until then. Again we ask “What changed all of this?”

It was a few well known writers {unlike me} that changed the way people felt about Christmas, and they did it quite radically as a matter of fact. The centuries of having a “Lord of Misrule” and his subjects ravaging the houses of everyone had gotten pretty old even if it did make the Upper Class feel better about their debt to society letting the poor steal from them. As a matter of fact it was America that reinvented Christmas to what it is today. In 1828 it was a Christmas riot that forced New York to create a police force to deal with the issues of the day. Washington Irving had written “The Sketchbook of Geoffrey Crayon” about a decade before, which celebrated a wonderful series of tales about a made up Christmas that was centered on a Squire who let all of the peasants into his home for Christmas. People were clamoring for this type of fantasy in America, and it became a best seller once again, but it was the English author Charles Dickens that finally set the tone with his classic holiday tale “A Christmas Carol” that everyone remembers. The tales of Ebenezer Scrooge became part of the American Lexicon and so did the spirit of Christmas that was outlined in the tale. This really was nothing like what Christmas was, and the amusing part of it all was that America had now changed Christmas into what we supposedly had as traditions. My family seems to think that they do a traditional British Christmas, which makes me laugh because I couldn’t get half of them to read this in the first place to see that they are a little off, but since I cook the food anyway it doesn’t taste British even. Probably the correct way of saying it is that it doesn’t “Lack Of Taste” British. Throw in the fact that none of us really get along to begin with, at least most of the family stopped getting “shitty” drunk on the holiday; we really have nothing traditional left, aside from the chaos ;8o)

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As far as I was concerned I thought last Christmas was going to be the capper of the whole “Jeremy” experiment that God has been working on for the last 36 years. It was the usual with a few new add-ons thrown in to keep it real and to keep me on my toes, I know, but I am starting to run out of patience for the whole thing really. So far this year is starting to bring me to the brink of exhaustion as Christmas always does, I’ve done all my shopping early aside from a few odds and ends that I buttoned up yesterday while my aunt rescued me from the evil bastards that I hadn’t been able to shake aside from work for over 2 weeks. I have been losing my mind trying to get enough work done so that I can take off the week between Christmas and New Years so that hasn’t helped my exhaustion level either, but it all looks like a go and I was so looking forward to today {Saturday} so that I could just rest and try to heal my sick little tired body. YEAH RIGHT!

Six am and it is CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS! “Get up daddy, we have to do the tree” and “Get up daddy, you have to do the yard” and that was before the really old one started bossing me around. Welcome to Christmas at the Casa Di Evils’s where everyone has an opinion and I am the one who get’s stuck with it. It wasn’t bad enough that I had to put together that stupid Christmas tree while taking orders from Greektradgedius Inyiddish the whole time {Mental Note for anyone reading this .. Send your grandmother to the nursing home, don’t move her in with you .. Relatives make horrible house guests} and upon finishing that it was non-stop whining about how she wanted the lawn to look. It’s freaking December in Nooo Hampshah, so the yard is going to look DEAD no matter what you do to it! The reason for making the yard look so stunning, of course is the horrifically tacky, white metal, illuminated and animated set of reindeer that I have to untangle for yet another year and try to set up in frozen ground. Of course I could say no to all of this but it would be taken out of my emotional stability well past Christmas, and as always I am the idiot who thinks these things end when I just do it. I’ll never learn.

My parole came when Greektradgedius Intraining {aka my aunt} showed up to critique all of the back breaking, aggravating work that I had been doing, and of course notice every minute and equally pain in the ass detail that I could work on next. This sat beautifully with me as she convinced Greektradgedius Inyiddish that I should forgo any of the resting that I had hoped to do in lieu of trimming the hedges and redoing the rock garden, in the middle of DECEMBER!! Upon finishing that she had decided that it was best for me to make gingerbread so that the evils’s could make gingerbread houses to which I’m pretty sure I said some things that the evils’s will most likely repeat in school {tell them to do their chores or stop breaking my shit, and I am guaranteed that they can’t hear a word I say, but utter the F word a mere … um … 30 or so times, and they will remember THAT one for a month!} they decided it was probably best that they do that at her house. Finally a good idea in all of this crap, until Greektradgedius Inyiddish decided that I should go fire up the Minivan to drive them all over there. Another round of colorful metaphors that mean “To Lay Down” in Saxony Speak, and they were all leaving without me, but at a cost, as Greektradgedius Inyiddish hands me her list of shopping she forgot to do.

Now the subject of the thesis is “Shopping as a Contact Sport” because the places that I had to go in the local Wal-Mart are where all the really really stupid people hang out 9 days before Christmas. The amazingly stupid people will be occupying these locations later in the next week, as they realize that they don’t have all of the things that are necessary before Christmas. Those stupid candle lights that tacky up any home, but of course she lost the ones from last year and of course the wrapping paper. Heaven forbid that we save any of the “too fucking much” we had last year, when you have a “guilted into” servant to go fight it out with the people who have nothing better to do than be in Wal-Mart right now. It’s not an easy sell being alone in a Wal-Mart for me because children {like cats} find me like crazy knowing full well that I can barely tolerate my own. They can smell it on me like fear from a leopard I tell ya! This day was to be no different as I realized that I had a pack rat following me around the store, which was a new one for me actually because throughout the evolution of becoming a children magnet I had never had one that walked behind me snatching things out of my basket before. After about 10 minutes of this I found myself rather concerned because where the hell was this little boy’s parent?

I had finally gotten everything I needed in that area and said goodbye to my little packrat that had been following me around and started walking towards the audio video section {hey I deserve a toy for being here after all} and my little friend started following me that direction. Despite my encouraging the little boy to find his momma, then his daddy, then trying everything I could think of I then decided it was time to start walking around randomly asking people if they knew who’s little boy this was, and to no avail. What the hell is wrong with this kid’s parent? I was kind of curious of who this person was now because I have been trying to pawn my kids off on others for years now and they always find me again when they get hungry! The boy doesn’t speak at all and he just points at things and grabs things, and of course the almighty question of “Why Me???”

The only thing left to do is to walk towards customer service and hope the kid follows me there as well. Nope, the second I tried to walk past the toys on the way to customer service the little boy starts taking off down the toy isles, and here I am feeling responsible for the kid, oh God kill me! He stops at the Transformers {a kid after my own heart now!} and points at one of the really cheap ones “Dat!” he says as he points at it, and as I am standing there shaking my head he grabs it and puts it in my basket. I can’t believe this now because apparently I am the toy and food dispenser to the world now, but I figure if I leave the toy in the basket he might follow me the rest of the way to customer service, which is still past 8 more isles of toys, and I am still a bit queezy about making it past the pet section without having him grab a goldfish. It’s working though as he continues to follow me to customer service which is a plus.

Well the boy’s name was Zachary {cool name by the way} as it was what his mother was screeching when we walked into the Lay A Way area that is “Customer Service” during the holidays. Course I did have to question whether anyone was looking for him over the last 20 minutes as he had toured the entire store with me, but I took the Transformer out of my basket and offered to buy it for him {a deal’s a deal after all} to which his mother was more than happy to buy for him, even though despite it being in her possession now he wanted to follow me around still. “Look buddy, you have to hang out with your momma now, I have to get home to my own kidlets,” which he seemed to comprehend. It would have been rather cute had I not hated kids as much as I do, but now it is off to buy myself that toy that I wanted from the audio video section. Well ok I ended up buying a Zune for Lazius Boycrazius for Christmas, but it was the thought that counts ;8o)