Well I guess it is finally time to pull myself out of my funk, and I needed to do it asap, which required drastic measures. I finally accredited my funk to a few key factors, the first of which being that I really have had to mellow down on the total perv factor, which is unhealthy for me. My life long goal is to become a dirty old man someday, and the fact that all of the women around here have put the legs away for the winter is definitely the pits. I kinda got my shwerve on when I redid my page, and then when Chrystal came to me for some minor revisions on her last perverted gem, but there was still something missing.

I finally had a nice long talk online with someone that I really missed yesterday and afterwards I was in such a wonderful mood that I decided I should go get a new plug for my speakers so I could switch easily between headset and surround speakers. Upon accomplishing this task I was driving around with my windows down as it was 50 degrees out, which for Nooooo Hampshah is unseasonably warm. My mind started wandering and I realized that … SHIT IT’S WARM OUT!!! My mouth started watering up as I realized that maybe the beautiful women of downtown might have seen the weather report and pulled out the cute little business skirts that drive me mental, and are walking around!

I drove into downtown with the soul purpose of grabbing a coffee and sitting on my favorite bench to do some girl watchin’ regardless of the skirt size, or the sheerness of the ladies nylons, but I was actually in for quite a treat, as apparently they not only saw the news, but knew I was coming! There were gorgeous legs EVERYWHERE, and yes with the invention of winter-alls, my mind was not quite wondering as aimlessly as I had so adored over the other three months, but it WAS something that I could work with here. The best part was that the drool wasn’t freezing to my chin as I had been so concerned with earlier, because after all I do have SOME pride yanno!

While on the subject of pride it is times like this when I am usually found by either a lesbian friend or an AA friend who is going to try to “save me” from me, and usually just ends up interfering with my “browsing of the candy store” and why should today be any different? Of course when it comes to peeing in my cheerios, there is the one person who can come along and turn my whole perverted little reality into some sort of twisted life lesson with irony, and oh goodie, here she comes now. The girlfriend of my 3rd wife, and when I say girlfriend, I don’t mean “go out and get lunch and giggle about boys” I mean “sleep in and make lunch of each other and pick on the boys” and being the amazing co-dependant that I am I happen to be friends with them both.

Now this could be worse as she plunks herself down in the bench next to me mind you. At least EX3’s Current has a much better acceptance of my perverted behavior and very keen vision, as the first thing she does point out to me is the particularly leggy brunette with the spaghetti strap shoes {OH GOD I LOVE THOSE!!!} and then takes a plug off of my coffee.

“Well it’s good to see that you are trying to get some writing material at least,” she said to me matter of factly as she pointed to another woman wearing knee high boots. My look of disgust made her laugh, as I have always thought that knee high boots were a total waste of good leg real estate. “Yeah, I get ya dude … Maybe you should like talk to a woman instead of sitting here gawking at them all the time, I hear that they don’t bite, unless you are into that,” and with that she got a fiendish grin that could only mean one thing. She’s a biter, and that is too much information without saying a word thank you very much! With this new information in my head I proceed to try to find anything else to focus on. The blonde in the very long tight “mind kinda wanders a bit” dress did the trick.

“So why aren’t you at work, or are you unemployed now EX3 loves that in a … oh wait wrong choice of words” I said back to her in a very Passivogressive manner, but it made her giggle. Figures I married a woman who plays professional women’s tackle football on the same team as her girlfriend and secretly they are both girlie girls. Yep, she checks out women with me, while she giggles and blushes, which basically means that most of these raging hotties walking by probably assume that she is MY girlfriend. How in the name of God has my life come to this?

We sat a while, and I shared some rather personal information with her, which will never leave her mouth, because that is the one thing I know about her for sure, well unless she talks in her sleep then I will expect some rather nasty e-mails about my sanity. The afternoon was just beautiful for girl watching, and I think that I have enough … um … research material to perhaps … well … um … deal with some rather frustrating issues that I am dealing with right now anyway {evilest of grins}. The last thing she said to me before she decided to scamper off was, “Well I think that you are a pretty smart guy, and you know what you are doing most of the time, so why don’t you just accept what you are for a change and give yourself a break. If you need anything, you know where to reach me, and I won’t bite … unless you are into that,” which was actually in reference to the wonderful things I left out of this tale, but still fits into the scope of my self loathing these days.

It sucks to be human, and I happen to suffer from a raging case of super hero complex {surprise surprise} so as I beat myself up for not being able to do anything perfectly, I often fail to see that there are things that at the very least I don’t suck at. As I often prattle on about my human failings, like being a raging pervert it simply strikes up the chord of “look at that guy being honest and laughing at himself” while at the same time it strikes up the chord of “look at that fucking asshole being a creep and bragging about himself” It just depends on whom the person reading it is at the time. I’ve decided that I don’t give a fuck who’s reading it at anytime, or what my decisions are at this time. I am me, and I am going to be the UBRA-ME, without the fear of being chastised for any of it anymore. Look out blogworld … The Crow is BACK ;8o)

Ok so I am writing this the day before and posting it in the morning really early because Judgment Day is upon me! Today is the day that my aunt, and the man who by marriage was my uncle finally tie the knot! Ok let me give you some Southern Maine background on all of this, so that I can catch you all up to speed. EX2 {aka … the whore, not the lesbian or the bitch} had this uncle that was kinda a loser in the game of love. My aunt, who was going through a nasty divorce, moved back home to live with her mother, meaning Greektradgedius Inyiddish, and because I was in a particularly generous mood, I hooked the two of them up on a date. 5 years later, and two marriages for ME these two are getting married tomorrow.

NOW the hard logistics of it all are simple, as now this means that by marriage I am going to be married back into the family that most of the tale “Little Abner” was created about., and worse than that, I have to hang out with all of them tomorrow as THEY are the ones throwing this little shin dig, and that means I am going to be surrounded by 500 in-breds that at one time or another I have told to “Fuck Off” or worse yet … shown HOW TOO! Now usually I would find some brilliant way to get out of such wonderful festivities that will involve a pig roast, and Cannon in D Major played on the banjos and big ol’ whiskey jug, by creatively … well lying actually, but I can’t in this case because not only am I the blame for this whole issue at hand, I am the one expected to give it the proper send off.

How do you toast a marriage that is potentially going to create the type of chaos that usually is only popular in West Virginia, and parts of upstate Maine anyway? I mean do you think that the person who christened the Titanic bragged about it many years later? We are actually talking about a woman who stood in my living room a month and a half ago holding a dead cat by the tale while my kids stood there screaming after all. The saddest part about all of this is that my mother still swears up and down that it is a travesty to the family, that a man who isn’t rich will be marrying UP to my aunt {the woman swinging a dead cat by the tail traumatizing my kids … yeah ok} but I don’t think everyone is really paying the proper attention to this. I mean WHAT ABOUT ME?????

So now, assuming that I can’t get the minister {or Preacher as they calls them out in York County} to find a suitable reason to cancel this thing by tomorrow, I am going to be “The Mother of All the Evils’s” CUZZIN!!!! I mean this is sooooooo wrong on levels that only the people from the deepest parts The British Royal Family can understand! I don’t want to have to have to babysit my drunken in-laws anymore … divorce sucked and all, but they are stealing the actual BENEFITS that I had {and OH SHIT I am turning into LYNN over this … eeeeeek!} … Breath … Breath … Breath … Ok … I might go on and on about my own family, but every once in a while you find one that makes your family look really normal, and I happen to the ASSHOLE to marry into them, and apparently it is a family disease too!

I think in all reality I am pretty jealous that unlike everyone there I won’t be stinky, sloshy drunk through the whole ordeal. I’m also a little pissed off that I have to bring my kids {to stop the nagging} so that they can see the wonderful show, and I can deal with them as they are pissed off in all reality to be there, and going all ADHD on the joint. Watching all the former in-laws slog around speaking in indecipherable beer goggle is merely torture while it is going on, the pleasant memories of these people will keep my ass sober for quite a while longer, but it doesn’t mean I like being around it all that much either. The smell of drunk and in your face still makes me want to just suck the breath right out of them sometimes, but as always … Just for today, because if I were to be drunk at this little Ho-Down, I guarantee you they have plenty of relatives, preachers, and shot guns to go around. I was stupid enough to marry into that family sober {yeah with a shotgun of course}, I can only imagine what booze would talk me into. ;8o)

I can’t say that I ever know what does these things to me but today was a scary day. The monster under the bed was looming, and he was trying to grab my foot from under the bed, and it just kinda started that way, and wouldn’t go away. It never ceases to amaze me that I happen to be so ridiculously out of sync with the rest of the world, that I think it is all a plot to drive me insane. “They” {you know the people from Wyoming} have been devising the ultimate scheme and unfortunately you all seem to be in on it. My happy mediums are rather non-existent, and days like today, I might just be forced to admit that I was very lonely. Kinda strange to hear me say that these days, and I am pondering the ramifications of this statement. If I were still on Yahell 360, I would be getting piles of hate mail right now, intermixed with the “Add Me to Your IM” letters.

I know this sounds insane coming from me, but I am willing to admit it. There are almost no people at work, so I have the place all to myself, and I would have thought it was a dream come true, but after about 2 hours of it the boredom, started creating the need for human interaction. There wasn’t any to be found, and the next thing you know I was becoming gloomy. I can imagine what it is like to be someone who is horribly depressed and finds Prozac, only to realize that it makes them more suicidal, as the usual chaos that I have been totally forced to endure was just gone, and I was forced to hang out in my own head alone for about 6 hours. Some of you know this problem, but many don’t even have a clue what dangerous animals are up there waiting to tear me to ribbons. My own self hatred is legendary, and as the 50 IM’s and text messages an hour that I usually bitch incessantly about fell to 0 for the first 5 hours of work, I was going mental. I was kinda angry at myself for being sad that I was finally being left alone.

I guess in all reality, what frustrates me is that the outer shell of me is as bi-polar as the inner shell, and as I stated it kinda goes with the feeling that I am just totally out of sync with the rest of the world. If I sit down to write my novel, or work on one of my screenplays, or even just try to write a blog, I get hammered by IM’s and phone calls and {at one time} 360 messages and my co-dependency used to just tie me up into all of them unmercifully, until I would have to let lose of someone, and it would in a lot of cases lead to hurt feelings and unfortunately at times rage. It was a great deal of the reason I ended up with stalkers all over 360, and such wonderful hate mail all of the time. The fact of the matter is that every single person on 360 who hated me, or publicly chastised me, started off by trying to dominate my time in, one way or another, so of course I would bitch. As a matter of fact it infuriated me, and I left 360 very angry indeed, and kinda had the feeling that it deserved itself.

The other side of this little puzzle is days like today. Now I am rather needy, and I had nobody, and that is what I mean by bi-polar. My mind simply found the opportunity to beat the shit out of me with this knowledge, and it probably could have gotten a lot worse. I had gone the whole rounds by this point. It always starts with fat too. I mean I am a rather athletic built individual, but I always look down and notice how I am starting to fall apart since I can’t go to the gym like I used to {bad back and an insurance company that would love to catch me with free weights … for those that don’t know}, and then it always goes to ugly. I start ripping apart my appearance, because after all in the mind of a depressive, it really is all about your looks, lose those and you are nothing.

Well the good news is that I have now convinced myself that I am fat and ugly, so we move onto the whole source of the looks ordeal, which is “unloved” because to truly hate yourself you must be unloved. The depressive mind does all of this in the background, and fortunately it is quite independent of “this part” of my mind that is writing this right now. The part that read all of the books on depression, and actually KNOWS what is going on. Those little creatures in my brain use that as well, believe it or not as they start chanting to me “And see, you’re stupid too, you know the answers but you are too DUMB to do anything about it”, and now these voices have started recruiting the voices from the past to really hammer my problems home. This is a lot easier than it sounds when you have 3 failed marriages behind you, because those voices are usually the easiest ones to grab, and remind you of your “issues” that robbed you of feeling loved, or being able to love. Don’t worry after just getting through Christmas and neither of your parents bothered to acknowledge you, lends those two voices to he chorus as well.

Around noon I finally found two people to play with me in text messages on my phone for a bit. I slowly dragged my ass out of the funk, but it was really a sad meter to my existence that I was just sitting in my new favorite place to hide at work {the women’s room … because it has a lock a sofa, and no women actually work in the plant … I’m sick not stupid, and as the janitor I have a key}, and I really just felt like crying. I hate both extremes in every facet of my life. I hate being way up and entertaining the masses {and all the bullshit that goes with that}, and I hate being really down and a cursed object {and all of the bullshit that comes out of me}, and the tears fall as I never feel like I have a choice. As I said, I have at least gotten over that, but it is definitely a new thread of my existence that I need to learn to live with. It’s like a form of cyberschitzophrenia where the voices drive you insane, and to the brink of fear, and the desperate wanting to run and hide, but when they stop, you just feel so alone you want to curl up in a ball and die in the corner. This Too Shall Pass … ;8o)

So another Christmas is finally in the books, and day one of the next 364 days of listening to Greektradgedius Inyiddish {The diabolical leader of Mophaka Al Queholic … or MAQ} whine about getting recycled gifts. My pathetic mother actually sent the very gifts that she sent her last year, back to her for Christmas this year. THAT is priceless, if you ask me, but oh well, tis the season to be slighted, after all. I keep forgetting about all of the wonderful side stories that go on during Christmas, that are as commonplace as the things I already outlined, that drive Superdaddyman bonkers. The usual things happened of course, and again my sycophantic whining about changing the things that ruin Christmas fell upon deaf ears, but Superdaddyman used his brand new weapon in the war against the Evils’s this year “The Passivogressive Blaster!!!”, as I shall outline here in long, and boring fashion, for my adoring fans.

The first piece of Christmas joy came after Superdaddyman slept through his alarm. The night before I had been working on the “Twas The Night Before Christmas in Blogaholics Anonymous”, which kinda took longer than expected, as I ended up posting it to both groups. Superdaddyman is at his best when he is able to get up at 3:30 and get some things accomplished before he is surrounded by unspeakable Evils’s and has to wear the cloak of “Defender of The Evils’s” … “Scapegoat to the Greektradgedius” … “Infiltrator of the Diabolical Pink Mafia” .. “Keeper of the Dirty Tales” and of course … “Virginity Defender!” Needless to say, on this day in question he woke up to the secondary alarm clock, which can really scare the crap out of you when you are in the middle of ravaging a poor innocent victim with a weapon we WON’T talk about here {as it is NOT one of THOSE types of blogs}, that sounds like this … “Daddy DADDY daddy dAddy daddY dADDy daDdy DADDY!!” already you can see that Superdaddyman is surrounded by unspeakable Evils’s, and worse yet with a raging erection that he needs to deal with before he is going ANYWHERE!

So from 5:30, when Superdaddyman was so rudely stolen away from his “happy place” to about 6:15 {when he was finally able to deal with … um … well you know} and crawl upstairs to the “scary place” the Evils’s had managed to totally destroy MOST of what Santa had left for them and you could see the drooling, craven, lust filled look in their eyes {damn I just pulled myself back to the dream … excuse me a second … ok better now} as they stood there huddled over the rest of their Christmas presents that Greektradgedius has been using as the “Behave or I am calling Santa” bait for the last hour, it was of course up to him to say the thing they {even at such young ages} knew was going to be hell, “We have to wait for everyone else to get here gang before we can open those presents” which was followed by man boo’s and hisses, and a few rotten vegetables hitting Superdaddyman in the back, as he proceeded back into the kitchen. We know all too well how Spiderman feels!

Ok so now it is about 8:30 and I have finished making all of the breakfast, for the guests that are supposed to be showing up by 9 {If you all only knew the amazing ignorance that was just unleashed in that statement} despite the protestations of Superdaddyman who knew all too well that most of these guests would be at the very LEAST an hour late. We have learned over the many years of Christmas bliss, that it is a lot easier to make breakfast 3 times then to try to convince a very “Tinsel Minded” old lady that her daughters and their children really were sent to this Earth from Satan himself in part of the grand scheme known as “Operation Get Jeremy” {OGJ}, so the first round of food that could have been sent to Ethiopia is now on the table, and we are dealing with the Evils’s which are growing ever more restless.

Now 9:30 rolls around, and Queen Yuletide has decided that her daughter, and the two evil little pricks, that she had given birth too {probably in some ceremony with black candles, a pentagram, and a few buckets of goats blood} have all died in a rather violent car accident, and she is going to start fretting obsessively. For the record “NO YOU CANNOT, convince her that being a half hour late is nothing for these people” I had many years ago developed a scale of timing their lateness. You have to immediately add 30 minutes for each of them, and then add 10 minutes, here or there for the “incidentals” like children wanting to open gifts, or people starving to death. The totally Reality Disaffiliated old woman sitting in the living room ordering Superdaddyman around all morning, like any other morning that these whacko’s get invited into my life, swears up and down they have never been late for anything.

So I have made the second table’s worth of food that could have gone to Ethiopia, at about 10:30, and TES we are now talking a full hour and a half late with NO phone call. The Evils’s are now staring at everyone with wanton desire to tie us all up {uh oh, accidentally ended up in the “happy place” again … I may never get this entry finished} and start giving out hostage release demands, which are probably all going to be centered around the presents. Superdaddyman, using his superior intellectual abilities walks into the living room and states, “Imtoocutus, start handing out the gifts” which was met by a counter attack by the super evil Greektradgedius Inyiddish, but that was easily diverted with the famous “Talk to the hand” gesture that means Superdaddyman is gonna start getting Medieval on your co-dependant ass, so ZIP IT! Gifts were all distributed, torn apart, and Christmas finally continued till 11 when the door opened and the Aunt, her fiancé’, and the two spawns of Lucifer entered, and had the audacity to lead with “You opened the presents already?”

Deciding that it was actually my turn to ruin Christmas this year {I have missed it so} I proclaimed “Yanno, I think it takes a lot of balls to walk into ANYPLACE 2 hours late, and I envy your ability to be so incredibly blissfully ignorant to the world that is actually going on around you,” which created that “dead silence” that Superdaddyman is always trying to have. With that I walked into the kitchen so that they could all pretend I didn’t just say that, and started making the 3rd round of breakfast, so that they could all complain about THAT!

There were a few other mild accomplishments for Superdaddyman this year, as he did finally pick out the perfect Christmas gifts. I went to Family Dollar and bout 12 cans of those cheap imported English Butter Cookies, and simply handed those out at the door, as I was trying to get all of these people to simply leave! By about 1 o’clock they were all gone, and even the evils’s had been picked up by their grandfather to go spend Christmas night with my former in-laws. I had to get on to the Computer to say my special Merry Christmas’s to the people online that I adore, and fortunately was able to salvage what was left of my sanity, by talking to someone very special to me, and making nothing but humiliating innuendos about the horrible in-breeding that goes on in my family, and especially my belief that my mothers infidelities must have been a blessing in disguise, because I am now more than ever convinced, that there must be some mailman DNA in the Superdaddyman after all! ;8o)

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Twas the night before Christmas, and Superdaddyman Sits
All the evils’s are sleeping, and wrapping gifts is the pits;
The stockings in thoughts for Superdaddyman’s a perv,
In my dreams the women will wear them, it’s what I deserve!
The evils’s were all wound up and quite lucky they ain’t dead
Did I mention all the stockings dancing around in this head?
Greektradgedius is whining and Imtoocutus is being great,
If she thinks she’s fooled Santa, it’s just a little too damn late!
When, out on the front my porch there arose such a clatter,
Oh Geeze, it looks like Neal, and he’s climbing a ladder?
Away to the window, to open and to holler,
“Hey Neal whatcha doin, and red ain’t your color!”
That Portly Old Elf looked down upon me with despair,
“I thought, I’d peek in your neighbors window, the one over there!”,
“But dude! She’s like 80, and her son is a cop!
Dressed as Santa or not, you are bound to get SHOT!”
“Oh thank you so much, your advice to the masses!
It was my fault you see the suit didn’t go with my glasses!”
More rapid than lightning his curse words they came,
For now he has fallen off the ladder and he lays there in pain
"Now, &^$And, @#$^! And, @#$nd !@*&!
I hope to god That isn’t the real Santa cuz then I am &^C@!”
I looked up upon the rooftop and to my great surprise!
There was Kayla dressed in a costume far more naughty than nice!
“I thought I’d show up to give you some real Christmas cheer
Hey look at Neal laying there, I didn’t know he was here!”
So now down the street, a big old Lincoln had just flew
Damn it slammed on it’s brakes, and it’s backing up with a crew!
Now out of the car came the passengers who knew?
Looks like Queen Lori, and Chrystal, and yes it’s Adriana too!
So around to the back went the queen adjusting her tiara,
Then she opened the trunk, and out popped Shuai and Sancira
Little Shuai he looked dizzy, and his hair was a mess,
“These crazy women kidnapped me, and I came under duress!”
Sancira was fine she looked none the worse for wear
But the smile on her face tells you she’s just happy to be there!
Chrystal walks around looking at all of us in such delight
She steps on poor Neal as she’s deciding who to bite!
Her evil little mouth all drawn back to show her fangs getting wet,
She looks around confused and says “Hey where the hell is Brett?”
I stood there confused too, as I didn’t even know about you all
I pull out my cell phone and yes it’s Brett I do call.
“You’ve reached my voicemail there hun, please leave me a shout!”
“Well I guess he is busy, so you’ll have to do without!”
Just then up in the sky, we all heard the loudest noise
“Look it’s Santa Claus and Brett! I knew he was one of his boys!”
“Hey guys I got called out on business, but I thought you’d understand!
Me and Santa we go way back from when we both were in this band!”
Up looked Lori, and Chrystal, and Adriana and even Sancira
As the reindeer, and Santa and Brett of course came nearer
They threw down boxes of presents, many toys that replicated boys
And the girls were so delighted as most made a buzzing noise
The boys just looked on rather puzzled, and made a fuss
“Let’s get the hell out of here, before they try to use them on US!”
So as the boys that were there ran away, and dragged Neal in tow
Happy Christmas Blogaholics Anonymous from your friend The Crow! ;8o)

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Awoken once again Jeremy Scrooge heard nothing at all but felt a long lick across his face , and jumped up startled to see a ghost all dressed in leather and holding a riding crop. "I take it you must be the ghost of Christmas yet to come huh?" said a still very startled Jeremy Scrooge. He wasn't startled enough to NOT grab the riding crop out of the Ghosts hands.

"Oh bitch, you did not just do that?" the ghost said to him and then got a very evil grin on her face, "I kinda like a man that takes control though, are you going to spank me now, I've been so damn bad after all?" and she turned to show Jeremy Scrooge her ass.

"Oh boy, you're going to be a real hoot, I see. How's about you give me a name and then we can go about this evening, and then I can get Christmas over with ok?" Jeremy Scrooge said with his usual lack of humor, "That Lynn ghost that over-emphasizes everything already told me that you were coming."

"Oh Geeze, you should hear her on the phone, she is pure death on your ears, um ... Oh yeah my name is Elonna, but you can call me mistress, so put on this leash and I will walk you through your ..." she stopped short and looked at the obviously cross looking Jeremy Scrooge, "Ok fine, I'll wear the leash, but how do you know how to get there?" again she looked at Jeremy Scrooge and grabbed his hand, "Tight Ass, not that that's a bad thing" and then she licked him on the face again before they disappeared.

The scene was very familiar as Jeremy Scrooge could see himself sitting over in the chair in the corner that Greektradgedius once sat in. His hair was as grey as hers once was, and he figured he would go without the question and answer about what happened to her, as he could tell by his own hair that more years than what she had had passed, and even felt himself a bit sad about it. The knock on the door was that of what once was a little evil, but now apparently is a college aged evil, who was late as she always was. She ran right over to the older Jeremy Scrooge, and gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek, "Sorry daddy, but you know how the traffic is this time of the year," and Big evil came out of the kitchen to greet her little sister with the most peculiar sight around her legs, as Jeremy Scrooge finally gazed upon the littlest evil of them all. She was cute as a button, and for the life of Jeremy Scrooge he couldn't even remember any of his evils's ever being this small at all.

Shaking off the sentimentality as fast as he possibly could, Jeremy Scrooge finally belted out “Why did they all come to my house? I would have thought that I would have a life by now, and they would have all been gone, and where is Middle Evil?” the demanding tones in his voice made the Elonna Ghost chuckle, at his requests for information.

“What do I look like an encyclopedia?” and after a few moments of looking at Jeremy Scrooge’s face scowling at her, she started in again with, “Look, this ain’t your house sugar, you gave it to Big Evil and her husband, when you and your wife got a little place of your own, a little ways away from here. Hell your wife went off to be with her family while you came here, and I’ll tell you, that talk she gave you about having 358 days a year together so missing each other for 7 being a snap was sweeter than … um … this … well .. um … that actually ties into that life part you talked about anyways. You didn’t think you were going to be alone forever did ya? Middle evil is in the Air Force and he is flying jets just like YOU always told him he could, and this year was his year on, but you saw him last month,” after looking around curiously, she added, “You actually thought you were gonna get out of coming here this year till that sweet lil Angel there called you up, crying because she didn’t know how to make breakfast and said ‘I’m too Yiddle bumpa’ .. oh man ya big softie you”

By this time Jeremy Scrooge wasn’t actually listening to Elonna Ghost anymore, as he was simply staring at the Really Little Evil, as she entertained everyone, and tried to steal everyone’s attention, the whole time holding on to the pant leg of her grandfather, as if she was afraid he was going to leave. Little Evil was handing out everyone’s presents as she has for the last 16 years or so, and when the other Jeremy Scrooge sits down Really Little evil takes up her place between his feet on the floor. The younger Jeremy Scrooge stands there fascinated by what is happening as the first gift gets to Really Little Evil, and she starts tearing off the wrappings.

“A BOX A BOX …. LOOK BUMPA I GOT A BOX,” and she starts running around like a little lunatic waving her box in the air for everyone to see. She does the whole tour, and when she is worn out from her little adventure running around she leaps into her grandfather’s lap, and gives him a hug after dropping the greatest box she had ever gotten.

“Well you see baby girl, the gift is inside of the box, and you need …” started the older Scrooge in a kind sounding voice, as the Younger Scrooge feels a hand on his shoulder, and he tries to pull away with tears in his eyes, but the Elonna Ghost, as her supervisor Lynn had promised had done her job quite well already … the room slowly starts to fade away, and it gets dark.

When Jeremy Scrooge awakens at his desk he wiggles his mouse to see that it says that it is only 6 am December 25th on his computer, and there are dozens of Christmas cards from his friends waiting in his e-mail box on the desktop. Somehow he managed to delete everything he was writing, while most likely rolling his head around on the keyboard. Sitting straighter up he see’s the very first one on the desktop and immediately grabs the phone. Dialing the phone he listens to it ring a few times …. “Merry Christmas Lori” he says into the phone “No I just wanted to see how everything went with your kids yesterday ….. Good good ….. no I am going to wake the kids up in a little bit …… well yeah I am amazed that they can sleep in on Christmas day too, but I think they are content is all …… well actually it’s all about the kids yanno, I learned that from my dad ……” ;8o)

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So again the noise from inside the little room of the blogging computer was filled with the alarming noise of clattering, and jumbling around, as Jeremy Scrooge awakens to see a very beautiful young Ghost standing there watching him sleep. “Me sorry for waking you sweets, but I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents!!! Yeah, I like being that one … but um … you can call me Twinks”, her smiling little face was almost as sickening as the one of Pegahoot from the daytime, as her sunny disposition was pure wolfs bane to a crabby man like Jeremy Crow.

“I’m sure that in all of the cliché’ you mean of Christmas Present, little miss?” said the whicked miser from his perch at the desk.

“Well if that’s how you see it, then I shall bring back all of the stuff I bought you then” she said with a giggle and stuck out her tongue at him, before she want back to walking around the room touching everything. “Hey SCROOOOOOGE wotcha hiding in this here box” she says with a twang of Texan in her.

“I would think that barging into a person’s home and touching his things would be against ‘haunting policy’ miss, and I will thank you to put my things down … you’re like a little kid!” he said as he jumped out of his seat and took the box away from her and put it back on the shelf. He then turned around to see her playing with his stuffed animals on his guest bed, “Excuse me?”

“Sorry, I’m a union Ghost, so I am on my cappuccino break, check back with me in 10 kk?” she said and started to giggle as she picked up Curious George, “I bet your kids love this one eh Sweets? … Oh lookie over here pictures …”

“Ok … so where are YOU taking me?” the now quite un-amused Jeremy Scrooge barked out at her, but she seemed to take no notice as she started thumbing through his picture albums. “Excuse me, you kinda seem to be a little lost in all of this … Miss Twinks did you call yourself?” he said while trying not to smile as the things she does really can be quite charming.

“Oh no, no , no, I happen to know exactly where I am, I am in your study at the moment, but I assure you when I get lost, I can simply disappear, I am a ghost … um … yanno? Is that what you say?” she giggled and went back to thumbing through his pictures, and right when Jeremy Scrooge was about to grab the pictures away from him she held one up right in front of his face “Who’s she?”

“Um … that would be my ex wife, she left last Christmas you see,” he said rather remorsefully.

“So is she the mother of your kids? … um wait .. she can’t be she’s pretty young huh huh huh?” and with that he saw where the name Twinks comes from as a twinkle lit up in her eyes.

“No she was my last wife, and not the one who is the mother of the kids, she acted more like a mother to them then their own actually, so as you can see in the pictures it gets confusing at times, but …”

“But she left too, and you add that as another one of those things that you use to hate the holidays … You aren’t very good at this whole secrecy thing … yanno?” and with that she put the pictures down and grabbed Jeremy Scrooge’s hand “Don’t worry, I won’t bite sweets, unless you touch my toes, then all bets are off” and the second she winked at him the scenery changed, and they were surrounded by people in the living room upstairs.

The Scenery was pretty much the same, just minus all of the in-laws that were in this location the year previous. A frazzled man who looks quite older than the one that we had looked upon in the past Christmas scenes is running around waiting on 3 kids a Grandmother, 3 of her 70 something year old friends, his Aunt, her fiancé, and her two children, while they all bitch. The scene isn’t the happiest thing on Earth, but it seems to be going along the normal routines if you look at it the way it is working out.

“I hate those two yanno, my cousins, since my Aunt came back from her ivory tower that her ex husband had her locked away in for 20 years those two have been here to take any joy possible out of Christmas,” said Jeremy Scrooge with a glint of anger in his eye “Both years that I was without my kids on Christmas those two, made sure that I didn’t have Christmas at all!” he garbled out.

“How did they do that sweets, they look perfectly fine sitting over there?” was the response from the Twinkly Ghost as she started playing around with the things on top of the TV set.

“My first Christmas without the kids my Grandmother nagged me to go to my Aunts for Christmas dinner, and I had promised to go to the Crisis Center to put on the AA meeting because everyone else was out of town, it started at 7:30 pm so I had to leave by 7. It was all simple they promised me, as they would be eating at 5” Jeremy Scrooge stops for a second to grab a family portrait out of the Twinkly Ghosts hands and place it back on the TV “As they always do they called up to say they would be late, and I reminded them every 20 minutes that I had to leave, and I hadn’t eaten. Promises, made about making sure I eat before I go. Time ticked until it was finally 6:30, and I was actually getting pretty angry, and it was Christmas night, so nothing was open for me to eat on the way. They had the nerve to get angry at ME for not abandoning the people at the shelter that night, and when my Aunt was finally going to put food down for me at 6:45, and they showed up, and demanded that she make them drinks. I slammed the door pretty hard on the way out, and swore that I would NEVER let any of them ruin another holiday!

“Years I spent from that point on making enemies of the family, because I refused to go to family gatherings hosted by my aunt, because it has always led to complete and utter disappointment in the past, and look at what it earned me. They all sit here while I wait on them … ACK!” and as he looks at the Twinkly Ghost, he starts to ramble a bit, “Are you crying, why are you crying, this isn’t very sad?”

“I just hate to hear stories that sound so sad, I mean look at everyone here, they seem to be enjoying themselves, and you are simply doing whatever it takes to kill time. I mean don’t you ever take a second to enjoy what you have at the moment?” she said in a sweet voice, and it forced Jeremy Scrooge to look around and wonder about it for a moment, “You look like you don’t want to be here, but here is what you got, you could just make the most of it yanno?” and she sniffled back a tear, just before a loud boom and a puff of smoke opened up in the background. Nobody seemed to notice it except Jeremy Scrooge, and Twinks, who then added “Uh Oh, it’s the boss, just look remorseful, I already got a written warning this month and I need the benefits sweets!”

There in the cloud of smoke stood a beautiful brunette which made Jeremy Scrooge jump back a bit, and forced the Twinkly Ghost to say, “She isn’t that scary, sweets, she just likes to make a grand entrance, come on stop cowering”

The Ghost boss started to speak, “Twinks, how many times do I have to tell you, to stop playing with everything when you haunt someone, you AREN’T Santa Claus, so you DO have a schedule to KEEP … and what is he doing COWERING behind you, will YOU show some DIGNITY and stand up … Look my name is Lynn and I run the Ghost dispatch … stand up!” and she stood there looking at Jeremy Scrooge as the word Lynn seemed to change his stance a bit.

“Sorry, but you looked like my second wife, and she always has a habit of just appearing when I need to be kicked … um … might I say that this Twinks here is doing a wonderful job, and she has actually changed me around quite a bit, I am thinking all happy puppies and other various cute and furry things right now …”

The Lynn Ghost cut him off and said “Hey look man I am a GHOST … I am not STUPID, and I have been trained by a black belt in AA to see through BULLSH*T, um … well unless I happen to like the sound of the BS then I might play for a while, but YOU aren’t in the least bit mortified in YOUR behavior AT ALL are YOU?”

Looking at the Twinkly Ghost Jeremy Scrooge says “Does she always emphasize everything like that?” which gets immediate nods from Twinks, and a laugh from Lynn Ghost, as well, “Um well … ah … no … I actually happen to be quite famous for sitting in my own piles, it happens to be quite warm and comfortable to me you see …”

The Lynn Ghost again cuts him off and replies, “But it starts to STINK after a while and the FLIES are MURDER, but I can see where you are at, I’ve been there quite a bit in my days. I shall have to PULL OUT all of the stops with YOU Mr. Scrooge. Twinks, take him back, I am going to call in a special favor and get the … GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME!!!”

“Thank God I might add, it’s bad enough to have to watch those little bastards spilling food on the carpet and ignoring it when I can clean it up, but while standing here all invisible, it is pure torture!” Jeremy Scrooge stated as he reached for the hand of Twinks.

She says back, as she takes his hand “Awww sweets, they are just kids!”

“I was talking about my a-hole cousins ….” Was the last thing that you heard from the mouth of Jeremy Scrooge in this setting as the two of them vanished … To Be Continued ;8o)

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A long, long time ago, in a land that isn’t too far away from this one there lived a crabby old miser, who went by the name of Jeremy Scrooge. He was a mean {ok we ain’t saying old} mean man, with absolutely no love in his heart for anything that had to do with Christmas. His story is not dissimilar to those of many others, but mean Jeremy Scrooge had a tale, like any of us as well, and here is how it goes … The scene plays out with the knocking at the door, and Scrooge sitting at his PC hacking away at his latest blog entry …

“Who’s there to disturb me while I am hard at work to create the next masterpiece of blog nirvana?” said a very crabby Scrooge, who peered up from his keyboard at the door to his office.

“It’s me sir, Don McCratchet, and I have a favor to ask of you, sir,” was the words that came from behind the door. As usual Scrooge simply ratta tatted away at his keyboard pretending nothing was said, but Don simply opened the door and peered inside to the cold stare of Scrooge, “I was hoping with tomorrow being Christmas and all, that I could spend the day with my wife Cathy, and Tiny Daniel, who has been sick with a cold from his half naked head, sir?” still Scrooge stared at McCratchet with the icy stare of evil, “I can catch up on all of those funny blog comments the day after sir, I promise.”

Loathing, on his face, and a scowl upon his lips Jeremy Scrooge looked upon his faithful side kick in the war against boredom and said “Christmas! Humbug Yanno! Since I imagine that you will be no good to me with your mind elsewhere anyway McCratchet then I guess it is alright, but you better be working at those comments twice as hard on Monday, or there will be hell too pay!” and with that he was back to typing a blog about staring at QT’s in the town square.

“Oh thank you Mr. Scrooge, and a Merry Christmas to you sir” said a jubilant Don McCratchet, as he scuttled from the room. He wasn’t even there to hear the foul language that came from Scrooge’s mouth, and I won’t go into that here as this is a G rated blog today you see.

The knock on the door was from an old and dear friend, and she didn’t even bother to knock, as she already knew what that would yield. “Helloooo Scrooge my old friend. I was just on my way by and I wanted to extend my invitation to my house to share Christmas day with Sean and the kids, and you know we would love you to be there,” and that smile … to Jeremy Scrooge it was like vinegar in your eyeballs, as he pretended not to hear her, and go about his work, “I SAY, IF YOU ARE …”

“I bloody heard you the first time, and stop acting like I am deaf, my time is my own, and I think that Christmas is for fools and idiots, and I fear Miss Pegahoot, that I am going to be busy doing things like writing, so I bid you good day!” which wasn’t much of a deterrent as she just stood there smiling at Jeremy Scrooge and you can see how it bristles him so.

“Well, I just wanted you to know that there are people who love you, you old curmudgeon, despite your less than sunny disposition. You don’t want to end up like your old friend Punkin, all lost in the nether of Blogdom as she had given up on her own gifts, and denied the …”

“You leave her out of this, a finer partner in crime there will never be and I don’t want to hear you speak another word, now GOOD DAY!” said Mr Scrooge as he walked her to the door personally this time with his hand guiding her. The smile never left her face, and you know how Scrooge hates that, but he loves to be alone and that he finally has again, so he sits himself back at his keyboard, and begins to fret away again some more.

The time passes quickly, and the writing never actually finishes, and the time starts to drag into the time after and the time before. Jeremy Scrooge never actually knows when his eyes start to become to heavy to stay up, but they do, and he goes, and the next thing you know, there is a knocking at the door. Startled awake, Scrooge sits strait up in his chair, and bellows to the door “Be gone tonight, it is 11:45, and there is no need to peddle your wares here at this hour!” but the look on his face changes as he sees the ghostly form of his old friend Punkin coming through the door without it actually being open “What are you doing here, and how did you get through that door, the last time I checked you are not dead?” a very startled Jeremy Scrooge echoed out …

“Don’t ask me, it’s your dream, and to be honest with you, I am just happy you don’t have me in a nurses outfit, hanging out with you in a restaurant, you’re dreams are kinda famous after all,” and she stood there looking like a drum roll was supposed to be forthcoming … “Ok .. fine, I came here to tell you that there are gonna be 3 ghosts coming here tonight, and they are going to tell you off pretty good, you and all your stupid humbug crap. Look at me, I just got out of the hospital, and you don’t see me acting like a sad little girl do ya?” and then very faintly under her breath you could here her say “anymore” and then start coughing in a funny sort of way, which did not inspire, Jeremy Scrooge to laugh a bit. “Ok fine put me on Iggy Mr. but I have your IM and the other Ghosts do too, so you better start listening,” and with that she turned around and started floating away, until she smacked strait into the door, “Ha Ha, very funny,” she proclaimed while looking upward, and you could here a kind of giggle coming from the sky, but she opened the door and walked through it, as fate is an untrustworthy bastard sometimes.

Jeremy Scrooge of course starts talking to himself, as he often does “Damn Ghosts IMing me, trying to cheer me up, I’ll do what I want when I want …. To … whoa … sleepy ….” And with that he trailed off into yet another fit of sleep, just to be woken again 5 minutes later by very loud giggling, and a beautiful blonde ghost standing in front of him.

“Hi Love, I am the Ghost of Christmas past, but you can call me Flirty, I was sent here because I used to live in your town and story has it that I am the only attractive woman you never noticed, so I am here to dance and act silly until you see me now!” and she does the most adorable spin which comes pretty damn close to making Jeremy Scrooge smile, “Ok, I thought I’d try that one, but really I am here to take you back in time to show you some things you might not have been paying attention to the first time around, all you need to do is take my hand,” and with that the beautiful young ghost reaches out her hand to him, but then adds “and no funny business Mr. I heard about you, through something called a blog.”

Upon touching the Flirty Ghosts hand Jeremy Scrooge was transported back several years to a time he had almost forgotten, it was a trailer home with a 3 foot tree all decorated with popcorn and cranberries, and around it stood a beautiful young woman holding a small child, and a young girl standing next to her. The tree had no lights on it, but around it were many presents all wrapped in various ways. Some of them were big, some small, some wrapped rather neat, others rather sloppy, but they all had names on them. Some said “Big Evil”, some said “Mother of All Evils’s” the bulk of them said “Middle Evil” and there were even a few that said “Superdaddyman” and with that the face on Jeremy Scrooge lit up with glee, as he said “I remember this Christmas like it was yesterday, it was the first Christmas that Middle Evil was old enough to know what Christmas even was” and the Flirty Ghost simply nodded at him and pointed to the little boy who could barely walk as he opened up his first present …

“A box! A BOX!!! Look daddy I got a BOX!!” the little boy yelled as he ran around in circles, and started dancing and laughing. It was so obvious that he didn’t even know that the gift was inside the box, but he was so excited over just getting a box that the man sitting over in the chair that looked half dead from working 6o plus hours a week sat up and started laughing, and held out his arms until the little boy went running into them for a big bear hug.

“That was me!” Jeremy Scrooge yelled out “Oh BooBoo, come here, don’t you see your father?” Jeremy Scrooge yelled out to the little boy, who didn’t hear or see him.

“That man on the chair over there is his father, Mr. Scrooge. That man who used to do anything to see his children playing and laughing. The man who used to be you …” The Flirty Ghost said to a very soulful looking Jeremy Scrooge who simply looked back at her.

“We’re only going to have one more Christmas together as a family after this,” Jeremy Scrooge says to the Flirty Ghost, who gives him a stern look in response, but he continues “This was actually one of my happiest Christmas memories, why would you haunt me with one of my very few, for I know you are not going to let me stay here, your cruelty is horrible, and I want to be gone from this memory” and with that the Ghost takes his hand and they reappear in the very home that Jeremy Scrooge lives in now.

Gathered around this 8 foot tall brilliantly decorated tree, are now three evils’s as there is a third “Little Evil” who is barely two years old, while Middle Evil dances around handing out gifts from the pile of presents that is stacked over 4 feet high, and 6 feet across. At 4 years old he is already an accomplished reader, and he is actually the only child in his preschool class that can read. The little evil is having the first real Christmas that she can actually remember, and when she opens her first gift and starts running around frantically yelling “Daddy, daddy I got a BOX, look a box!!” in her little Minnie Mouse voice, the man standing next to the Ghost starts to laugh, and Jeremy Scrooge peers around him to see himself 4 years ago, laughing, and enjoying the company of his kids.

“You never would have known that I was in court 4 days before today, fighting my ex-wife’s second appeal to get the children back, and the kids knew nothing. I invited her to be here but she was so furious at me she refused,” Jeremy Scrooge said to the Flirty Ghost standing next to him, “The kids up until now had never actually gotten more than a few cheap presents, and a bunch of family’s fighting, I went out and got a loan against my taxes so that I could spoil them rotten this year,” and as the two of them looked around you could see nothing but beautifully jubilant children dancing and opening gifts, and you could hear Christmas music playing, but the most noticeable thing you could see was the man sitting in the chair in the corner, and the little girl on his lap as he is still trying to explain to her that the gift is inside the box, while fighting off his own laughter.

“You know we can’t stay here either J~ and we have to get back to the present, you still have two more of my friends coming to see you, before the night is over” and the Flirty Ghost reached out her hand as Jeremy Scrooge tried ever so hard to avoid it, you could see how he desperately wanted to stay here, and alas he could not, as the hand of the Ghost finally found his shoulder … To Be Continued ;8o)

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My earliest Christmas memories are pretty much all the same, as I imagine it is with most of you. I would wake up at about 1:30 in the morning, and be sneaking downstairs to see what Santa Claus had brought for me. I would start playing with whatever was put in my stocking, and being a little rambunctious in a veiled attempt to wake my parents up, so that I could get to open the really good stuff. My Grandparents would come over to open gifts with us {and let’s get real here THEY brought the serious contraband to a 5 year old}, and my mother would make something really nasty looking, which tasted absolutely abysmal to eat. Oh yeah, have I ever mentioned that she is Scottish? This was my 6th Christmas that I am talking about here, and it was a little different this year, as my parents had a secret that they hadn’t bothered to share with their 5 year old son.

My mother came over with my Grandparents this year, and I actually wasn’t too inquisitive about it, and actually to be honest I remember being a little relieved that this year I didn’t have to wait until my grandparents could wrestle my mother out of bed, so that she could come downstairs and be rather crabby all through Christmas morning. Nope this year she just walked in with a fake smile and really said nothing while I did the typical little boy things, like ripping open presents and jamming candy in my mouth. I think for the most part, it would have been one of my happiest Christmas memories if it could have ended a little after the time I had opened my presents, and was so crashed out from the sugar, and waking up 5 hours early, that I finally passed out in the middle of the living room floor. That’s not how it worked though, and it is actually quite like what I had managed to survive my kids from seeing last Christmas, as this show was still going to go on, as my father and I were going to go over to my Grandparents house for Christmas dinner like we always did up until now.

My parents had indeed split up several weeks before this, and the only thing that had kept me from noticing, at my wonderful age of 5 was that my mother really wasn’t much of a mother anyway. If she wasn’t around, I just really didn’t notice. My father worked 3 jobs at this time because he was in debt up to his eyeballs from doing his best to fund my mothers Art Gallery, that was supposed to make her happy and save the marriage {info gathered later in life}, so I didn’t see him very much either, and was pretty much taken care of by my grandmother. My grandmother, who happened to be my mother’s mother, and later on becomes the artist known as Greektradgedius Inyiddish. While we are on that subject, the only reason my mother showed up at all was because my grandfather {now deceased, but at the time a rather outspoken individual, who despite his issues did many things right} downright forced her too.

When I had woken up from my nap, my father was ready, and getting some of my new cloths ready for me to change into to go to my grandparents. This was the first point where I noticed something wasn’t right, as at the very least; my mother had always gotten me ready for Christmas dinner. My father who happens to be the reigning master of the “no speak” rule, fumbled his way through an explanation that totally flew over my head, and forced my little 5 year old ears to determine that dropping it was easier than asking again. Yes I actually acquired that wonderful gift and use it often in the Superdaddyman bag of tricks. Upon us being “presentable” we made our way to my grandparent’s house. We could hear the fighting from out on the front porch, and my poor father who really never dealt well with reality stood on the porch staring vacant at the door, with a very scared look on his face. I have managed to acquire this behavioral pattern from him as well, as I often to this day, simply give that “look of dread” when facing a scary situation. As I look back now I see a major threshold that my father was pondering, and chose the path he thought was right, as he opened the door.

This was the usual scenario for MY Christmases from this day forward, with a slightly different wrinkle, that changed immediately afterwards, and didn’t return for many years to come. All three of them were totally trashed. My grandmother and my grandfather, I will learn to see totally drunk for most of my life, this will be one of 3 Christmases where I will see my mother drunk, and loud, and rather unbearable actually. They did there best to put on airs of adulthood for a while that managed to last about half way through dinner, but what happens here is something that no parents should ever put a child through, and whether it actually scarred me for life or not, is still up for grabs, as I hope to have a lot of life left to go. About half way though my turkey and stuffin {my favoritest not deadly for me food … by the way} my mother simply looked at my grandfather and said, “I hope you are fucking proud of yourself!” and my ears perked up immediately because my mother used what I had grown to call them, “a piano word” {based on the fact that she yelled them out all of the time when she messed up playing the piano}, and little kids are always drawn to tension.

My father did his best to try to deflate the situation, but my mother had already gotten sloppy drunk, and there was no way to deal with someone like that. To my father’s credit, he usually stayed sober for these types of events, so that he could referee. My mother got far worse, and she ended up yelling at every one of them, and when I started getting upset, she merely told me to shut up, and mind my own business, which prompted my father to say, and I hear it clearly to this day, “You made it his business, and yelling at him is just a rotten thing to do, Doris”, and he got up from the table and started gathering our things. The fighting amongst all of them went on for quite a while as my father tried to get us in enough order so that we could leave, and to be honest with everyone, at the time they were all using such adult words that I really just blocked it out of my mind at the time. The heartbreaking moment though came when I realized that my mommy wasn’t going home with us, and that had me crying the whole way home. My poor father had to deal with a crying 5 year old boy for days that turned into weeks, and then years, and as I said before, I don’t think this poor man has ever identified an actual feeling in his whole life, but I give him credit now that I am older for at least trying.

As I had gotten older the actual ending to the story went something like this. My mother had decided that she was leaving my father. She was an extreme manic depressive with a few reality issues at times to say the least. I have covered this in a few blogs in the past, so I won’t chronicle it here, as it really doesn’t matter. As she had decided that my father should leave the house and support me and her while living elsewhere. My father took it upon himself to tell her no, and she was furious about it. He wasn’t actually being selfish, as my mother had proven out over the years, he was being selfless in knowing that I didn’t stand a chance alone with her, and he stood his ground for one of the few times in his life with this woman.

She was going to bring hellfire down on him, and had the attorney, the state’s support, and all of my father’s own assets to take it all from him by force, until her father told her that he was going to testify against her. It was the only time he ever stood up to his little girl too, and that combined with over 25 years of spoiling this woman rotten, ended her being his little girl, and she ran away from Nooooo Hampshah to New York City, to not be seen or heard from for the next 4 years. She got even with her father all right, as he was totally heartbroken, and the Christmases for me from that point on were my father, and my mother’s two parents. Her son on the other hand started a vicious cycle at this point that was partially genetics, and partially learned from all of these people, until I chose to be different, but to do that I had to accept, understand and learn. ;8o)

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Last Christmas for me was typical, in a lot of ways. My life has notoriously been riddled with some of the worst Christmas memories that a human being can imagine, and last years would probably look like one of the worst to most people, and the sad reality of it all is that it wasn’t even in the top half of bad Christmas memories. I am actually sitting here right now with Greektradgedius Inyiddish standing behind me nagging my ear off during my only free half hour between work and kids getting off of the bus, and as she is reading what I am typing right now over my shoulder. She appears to be getting furious; because I am totally ignoring her, and I don’t give a fuck … oh good that was the word necessary to get her out of my area.

That was a wonderful example of what has totally ruined my last few Christmas’s. This one shall be no different, except in the fact that I will only have one woman bossing me around, giving me no respect, crying at the hint of disobedience from anyone, and then taking full credit for it all while she was perched somewhere barking out orders. As a matter of fact, to have the last name Fink, and to be born with a penis, means that this is as instinctive as eating or peeing. Last year was far worse, as I had the last wife in the mix too. She had actually left around Thanksgiving officially, but she had this brilliant plan to pretend that we were still together until after Christmas. Can anyone see where this is going?

I have done the same thing for the last 3 Christmas’s since the kids were place in my soul custody, as far as Christmas was concerned. I would buy a ton of art supplies and candy making stuff, and the kids would make all of their gifts, for everyone. Last year the highlight of the whole Christmas was that Big Evil used all of her birthday money to make special gifts for everyone in her Home Economics Class {In My case she made me a stiffed computer, complete with mouse and keyboard … adorable stuff}, and everyone is invited here for Christmas, as I have decided that they are NOT going anywhere PERIOD. Kids spend Christmas in their own houses, and those that whine about not seeing them can get off their asses and come see them, or else SHUT UP!!! This year they didn’t even bother nagging, so apparently you can train inbreds.

The other thing I would do is that I would buy all of the supplies for breakfast, and make anyone anything they want. It’s a lot of work but it gives me something to do rather than listen to all of the family bullshit, and I had my former in-laws family bullshit to contend with as well, which I had learned the year before. My soon to be ex-wife downright MOPED for the entire day, and made everyone here uncomfortable to the best of her ability including her own family, and Superdaddyman borrowed some of the super hero juice from his distant cousin “The Flash” as he was a total whirlwind of good cheer in “Operation Cover Up for the Mopey Princess & The Greek Tragedy” … really not much to go into on that one. I did a damn good job too, and I use the fact that her mother AND best friends both came over and hugged me before they left and both told me at separate times “You are a great man” which I deserved based on the show that the two women who had made my life hell for the last year had put on.

Greektradgedius sat in the corner and did that “Old people jumpy thing” which basically means whenever anyone did something she didn’t like {yanno like breath at the wrong times} she would get noticeably flustered. All of the people she invited over would snap their fingers at me to fetch things for them as they sat around too, and I just did it all with a smile, because I was going to be damned if the kids had MY type of Christmas’s. EX3 sat in the basement most of the time playing with my computer while all of her guests sat around feeling uncomfortable, and I did my best to entertain them. The kids got spoiled rotten, and once all of the festivities were over and the guests had left, I did the mean daddy thing and had them go upstairs to put everything away. You see daddy had some explaining to do to the two women downstairs, and it was good to have the kids out of the way for that.

I will say that it was the first time I actually every told Greektradgedius to “SHUT UP” because her rolling commentary while EX3 was trying to talk to me got annoying damn fast. She had a good cry as she locked herself in her bedroom for 3 days afterwards, but to be honest with you all, I still don’t care. You order shit you eat shit after all, and she spent 3 days eating shit, having contributed again to one of the 26 of my 35 Christmas’s that down right sucked. EX3 simply got 5 words from me “Get your shit and leave!” because there was no point in working out the finer points of how bad she made Christmas. Did I mention that this was one of my BETTER Christmas’s?

I went to my AA meeting the following Friday after that fiasco, and I was asked to chair, seeing how I hadn’t done it in a while, and people often find my take on Christmas to be humorous, with all the irony and all. I happened to be in a rather remorseful mood all week, but I spoke for a whopping 10 minutes {for me VERY short} and this was my Coda, on the whole event. “My wife left me a month ago, and it was a very interesting ordeal. Being the one who actually has experience at marital breakdown, I help to talk her through it … Yes I know you feel trapped … Yes happier elsewhere … Oh I know, you’re just losing you … Of course it isn’t my fault, it’s you , yes I know … And that was actually how it went. We decided to pretend to be together until after Christmas, and what we ended up with was looking like we pretended to be together just for Christmas, but my kids had a wonderful day, and for that I am grateful, because I gave them a chance …”

Now for those of you who are reading this and feeling sad for me {Twinks} allow me to let you understand one thing. Above all of the talk of “That which doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger” … “I like to tell the tale if only to make those that saw it themselves feel less alone” … “It is the way I have dealt with the bad things that taught me how to enjoy the good” … and of course my favorite “Nothing disinfects like sunlight” there is what I am actually trying to get across with myself being a power of example, to the best of my ability, as we call it in AA “My EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH, and HOPE” another thing to note. I am what my parents made me, and I chose a different path, and my kids have a chance. My parents were not strong enough to break this cycle, and I often feel that I am not as well, but somehow I do, and trust me, as my sponsor always tells EVERYONE as he points at me “If HE can do it, then YOU can do it” … God Loves You And So Do I ;8o)

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So today is Christmas presents day for all of the poor families of Rye {meaning mine}, so I had to go to the school on my way home from work to pick up all of the gifts that the Fire Department had collected for the kids. This was a bumper year actually, as I received 3 large garbage bags full of toys, and clothes. I haven’t figured out why they don’t just put the collection bin right out front of my house actually, as it would save the trouble of the firemen wrapping all the gifts. So I realize that someone is probably looking at what I am saying in abstract terror, over the things that I am admitting here, but it is actually a very long and involved story, and those of you that know me will tell those of you that do not, that long and boring is my MO, so here it goes.

I lost just about every dime I had getting custody of my children to begin with, and after a year of being called into court, at random to have to answer all of “The Mother of All The Evils’s” appeals {which usually amounted to “But your honor, I dumped that last druggie-child molester, and my new live-in druggie-child molester sitting here next to me … ~*smack*~ stop drooling when you look at my kids you moron … ahem … has promised NOT to smoke crack with the kids in the same room with him, or walk around the house naked playing with him self like the last 5 I brought in here … um … Honest Injun” and then an explanation on why she doesn’t pay her child support, thus leading to a … “We’ll see you two next month”}, and having another wife leave in the middle of this all … pretty much left me broke. Aside from the afore mentioned “No Child Support Anyway” I raise 3 evils’s and a Grandmother on next to nothing.

This is actually the only service I accept because I was nagged into it by the school guidance councilor, because they really did have nobody in town to give this stuff too. The filthy rich community that we live in {as I have owned this house before I had to take on an entire state government to get my kids} desperately wants to give toys to the needy, and the town has a toy drive every year for “residents only” and again with the whole beach town filled with million dollar mansions … well … you get the picture. I often joke about having no pride and actually I do have quite a bit, as I have made it quite ok, being injured and making squat, while supporting this brood. I was rejected for food stamps at one time, and I had felt asking in the first place was a humiliating enough experience that now that I am not allowed any overtime {thus cutting my pay in half} I actually do qualify, despite the fact that they count the phantom child support towards it. I just haven’t felt like acquiring it, so there is more kitty in the till for the rest of ya.

I find it amusing now, that the community has basically figured out who the gifts are for. Where they used to say “Boy Age 6” or “Girl Age 12”, the gifts now have the kids names on them when they come, but I got over that last year {and yes I was kinda frustrated} and have simply chalked it up to only having to place “From Daddy” or “From Santa” or “From Mom” on the gifts {and yes I am one of those loser parents that gives the kids gifts and says they are from their mother, because it isn’t THEIR fault that she doesn’t, and I remember when I was a kid how much I HATED that}, and this year there were gifts that also said “Daddy” or “Jeremy” on them in the bundles. I am kinda curious as to who or what, but I am sure that I am going to open at least one and find a name and a phone number. All in all the thought is very appreciated as the Superdaddymobile needs new tires, so I can simply use the last of whatever Christmas money for that, and still open stuff {because yes you have to get gifts for yourself and let the kids wrap them … I have them convinced that I love underwear and socks … the cheap ones especially … *grins*}

Yesterday I did the rest of my Christmas shopping in typical Singledaddyman fashion, while the kids were at their Auntie’s … In about 1 hour I managed to get 3 Video Now Color … 3 Stockings worth of toys {slinkies, jax, marbles, etch-a-sketches, funny money, chocolate coins, snickers flavored lip gloss, plastic farm animals, plastic dinosaurs, jump ropes with wooden handles, elastic paddle balls, and various candy, as well as Slim Jim’s that I hope I can resist until Christmas morning} get an Oil Change on the Minivan {where I had it pointed out to me that the metal threads are showing on the back of the tires … ack}, and made a visit to Dunkin Donuts. Who says all of the holiday shopping is hell?

This day {as in today} actually amuses me, as I went into work and had MORE gifts waiting for me, as I thought I had solved that issue already, but I always forget that solving those sorts of issues places the “challenge tag” on me, so I give up there too, besides the assorted Dove Chunk cookies, and the peeled almonds killed two birds with one stone. I ate the almonds while I was working, and I brought the cookies home with me so that the kids can think for a fleeting moment that I care about them. I am pretty sure that these two are off for the next two weeks, and perhaps their husbands will treat them better in the away time. If they don’t I am going to have to just start dropping hints to them about how much I love Slim Jim’s. Oops … be right back have to take Imtoocutus to a friend’s birthday party, at the bowling alley …. Have a great evening everyone ;8o)