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Well what do I know I am just a simple Crime Fighter, the Guardian of the Evils’s, Virginity Defender, The Man With NO Plan, I just go to work everyday, give 99.9% of my paycheck over to two separate Terrorist Organizations {The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s “TOKE” & Mophaka Al Queholic “MAQ”}, and the other .1% I get to enjoy buying an Ice Cawfeeee for the fair Miss Polly Pureheart. I realize that I don’t suffer in all of this because, heaven knows, that three evil lil’ bastards with age differences that almost span an actual generation, are nothing but good times and roses all the time. Watch as I do the ceremonial “Lucky Me” dance, and toss daisies to the crowd. I am hampered with a serious problem that MANY of you face, and I have chosen to deal with it the wrong way. Ask my Aunt “The Special Ed Teacher”, and you will understand how bad I truly am. The amazing thing is, that she MIGHT have actually been right, but I failed to see the point as her plan of attack, as an obvious henchman of MAQ was revealed to Superdaddyman last night. Behold the power of the things I say, and the things I DO NOT say.

I finally got the “Lazius Boycrazius, is failing in school” call yesterday. I say finally as in … well … it happens every year you see. Usually about 4 or 5 times a year, and it is the most insane crap, next to the phone calls about Captain ADHD disrupting class. I AM to the point where I say, “Well of course she is, don’t you people ever read transcripts?” like I do when I get the Captain ADHD calls. There is actually a good reason for all of this. I am a VERY concerned father. I did two tours of duty in PTA, held THE WORST posts none the less {Secretary & Treasurer … if you have never done PTA, these are the two that work, the rest of them come in and whine, get a cookie, and vote on more jobs for THE SECRETARY & THE TREASURER! Makes me wonder who the children are usually.}, and I always take school issues with my children seriously, or at least I used to. My father was a school teacher, and he went insane, and moved to Florida, where he and his almost as crazy {but she has Alzheimer’s at least} mother, live in a duplex I put the money down on. Oh yeah did I ever mention I am co-dependant? It is the same thing every year, she’s failing, I’m spending many hours breaking my balls baby sitting her during her homework {because if you don’t sit and stare at her, and check it all when she is done, it won’t get done}, so that right up until the last day of school the teachers will question if I am doing enough. She then brings home her report card full of B’s and C’s!

I get INFURIATED that they don’t even have the courage to ACTUALLY flunk her, like she deserves. I do my part, they send her along, she doesn’t learn anything! I washed my hands of it this time. I told the teacher that she needs to flunk … period. I have always believed that a good failure can motivate, and if it doesn’t then you AT LEAST have something to work with. “You failed. Do you want to stay back?” or something along those lines. Instead it is the same routine. She lies, I find out, she cries, tells me she is stupid, and she quits. That’s what her mother does, and it’s who she learned it from, and after my Aunt decided to talk to her about all of this, she gave her the crocodile routine, turned on the water works, and said she was stupid, and she quits. I’ve been getting this for three years. I said what I felt I should have said, but hadn’t {because I have been told it is wrong, and didn’t care anymore} “That is exactly the same act your mother does, and I am sorry that you learned it from her. You always say you want nothing to do with her, if you keep quitting without trying, and lying about it, than you know what will happen.”

Big Evil just stared at me, and my Aunt went mental … she started yelling at me in front of her {yanno about not doing things like … um … THAT?} and I stood there and lashed back {instinct sorry}, as I said, “No, we have been doing it that way long enough, and it isn’t working she just gets worse” I was very fortunate that my Aunt {the Sped teacher remember} totally emoted EVERYTHING that my daughter should be feeling over that comment, and Big Evil grabbed the ball and started running with it. First she placed her face down on the table, and started bawling. {keep in mind that Superdaddyman knows this trick, as with the face down on the table, you can cover up any of the accidental laughter} The Aunt of course is just continuing the discussion. She is going to want to be more like her mother, she is going to hate you, etc etc etc {Superdaddyman trick number two, you should always note, that the bawling always quiets to silence when advice on how to react is being given}, and I finally say “This is going OUTSIDE!” where Greektradgedius Inyiddish refereed the whole thing {silently I might add, very peculiar}

Other than the 3 things I said previous the only other thing I said was, “I have been living this Pat, I took her to a psychiatrist at your urging on this 2 years ago, and HE SAID, and I quote ‘She is NOT depressed, she is just really lazy, and she is an abuse survivor, which makes her far more stubborn than you will ever be, so you need to make sure that she knows what is right and wrong’ and he even told me that it was a waste of TIME for her to see him because she is perfectly FINE otherwise!”, and then I simply stood there staring at her in silence, as I listened to her spout about it all. I had to, because I know some stuff. I know about her daughter who tries to starve herself 4 times a year {another family disease} and does it no matter what. She uses it to torture her mother, as she moves in with her at least 3 times a year and holds her hostage with the knowledge of “If you don’t do what I want, I will die here in your house”. I know about her son who festered away $180,000 of her money {and about $14,000 of mine with it during one of those Greektradgedius moments, like my mother}, at an Ivy League University so he can become a fisherman. All the time threatening to disown her if she didn’t. I know what her parenting skills brought, and I also know that she would have been on the brink of suicide herself if I had brought it up. After she left Greektradgedius even told me that she was proud of me for not going in for the kill, I actually was too, which is what really matters.

I realize that in a lot of ways, what I did could be construed as wrong, but I have to do some things my way. Taking advice from most of my family is like trying to skydive without a parachute. Actually, no … that is too obviously stupid. I know this, when I got a call from Captain ADHD’s Guidance councilor a few days ago, and he told me that he was doing SO MUCH better, and he wanted to know what had changed {as I had had a discussion with him a couple of weeks before, since they thought he WASN’T even on medication, he was being SO BAD}, and I told him the truth. “I told him if I heard that he was falling off of his chair and pretending to have convulsions in school, whenever the teacher told him to do something again, I was going to spank him until he couldn’t walk” and I sat there while I heard the crickets in the background, knowing that he was absolutely mortified by what I just said, and then added “The trick is to make him repeat it 3 times to you, so that you know he understood it.” don’t think that Lazius Boycrazius, is the only one who thinks they can get away with anything because the adults told them they had issues. ;8o)

“Alcohol gave me the wings to fly, and then it took away the sky … God gave me the legs to walk, and then showed me to the steps“. That is my favorite line from my sponsor to this day, as I sit here, and ponder the whole question that is often asked of me now-a-days which is simply put, “Why don’t you talk about alcoholism more in your blog?”, and this is often given with some sort of adage to either play on my ego, or try to create some feeling of shame. I actually have neither as far as my program is concerned. I did everything wrong {except drink} for a long time, and I somehow survived it. I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in over 16 years, and I haven’t touched an illegal narcotic in far longer. I walk around with no shame over what I am or how I got here, yet I look at my friends list and I see so many other pages devoted to alcoholism, that I think that base is covered quite well, so I never really feel the need to wax poetic about what I read in the big book, or what I learned at a meeting, but I do have something I want to share, which qualifies as an answer to two points that were brought up, “What about those that read you and could use something?”, and “What about, what you do to stay sober?”, and here is something I found the other day, that is kinda funny, and rather interesting based on what is going on around me these days.
I have 8 friends in the FOBW room who relapsed within the last month, don’t ask, I’ll never tell you, but out of them I note that there are two I disowned, and the other 6 I talk to in one form or another everyday. I am not one to really get a Jones about this stuff, it happens, and it is quite simply a case of untreated alcoholism. Some people simply put down the steps of recovery, and move on to the steps of relapse, and that is their choice. I have worked many of those steps myself, and I am fortunate that I was given people to point out to me that I was sick, or I was struck dumb by God, and came to that conclusion myself somehow. I was playing around in the old IRC rooms, and I had my old copy of Pirch out, and this was the script I used to use for “The 12 Steps of Relapse”, it’s kinda funny really … as it relates a lot these days … this actually goes back 3 marriages ago, and before I had a single child …

1. We admitted that it was horribly unfair that we couldn’t drink, and missed that unmanageability.
2. Came to believe that God is probably in on the plot.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives back to ourselves, f*ck yea I am God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone else.
5. Admitted to all of our friends, especially ourselves, and to the person who we are pointing the finger at the exact reason it’s their fault.
6. Were desperate to have the people we blame accept their responsibility, and tell us we are right.
7. Humbly grew some more shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all people we personally believed harmed us, and became willing to trash them.
9. Demanded direct amends from such people, and of course, threatened, whined, and lied.
10. Continued to take persons inventory, and we damn well knew when THEY were wrong.
11. Sought through slander, and probably medications to improve our inter personal relations in an attempt to take others with us.
12. Having completely learned nothing, except what we always believed anyway, we carry our own version of the message to others and hope they accept us as cured.

Put down the toys, and pick up the tools, was often bandied around, as I remember it. If you see any of THIS TREND starting, it is quite possibly time that you do something about it. The last thing on earth that I ever want to hear is a phone call after a crippling relapse, aside from a phone call from a loved one of that person telling me they are dead. It beats the hell out of no phone call at all, anyway. I like to keep in mind that the people in my life were put there for a reason, and I am VERY fortunate of all of the 12 step work I have the “privilege” of doing online as well. There is probably a reason for it, and it might be my acceptance of fallibility as well as anything else I own. Despite all of those wonderful issues that I glut out day by day inside of my little Blogosphere, I demonstrate in a general way, what it is like to be a human being, and not simply a human doing. For this I have nothing but gratitude, and to all of my friends who are in trouble, or in pain, or even just afraid to be alone, let me say this to all of you. I promise you never have to be again … I love you all, and you better know it ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

All writings Copyright © 2006 & Beyond Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest

Ok, to be fair, I must first tell you about some of the cast of characters that will be entering, my little blog story right now. You all have already met King George {said with approval, as his Catholic background didn’t appreciate the Pope comments … sheesh}, and now I shall introduce the other 2 participants. There is Billy, the General manager of the plant, who usually ,means well, but isn’t always in the loop on a lot of things, and then there is Sam, the Vice President, of operations. I will say a few things to let Sam off the hook immediately, as King George got him to read my blog this morning, which prompted him to comment … lol … You see Sam WAS NOT the VP when I had my injury, and as a matter of fact he didn’t come into the picture, until several weeks later. Sam spends an UNUSUAL amount of time talking to me about EVERYTHING, in the plant, and I had started {apparently} to become one of his favorite people in the plant. He didn’t actually know how this story was going to end despite his actual part that he played, as he was sitting in the room. He did mention that King George had told him that I would be honest, so he trusts me. And away we go ….
I did exactly what all of you pretty much assumed I was going to do, I totally lost it. I flipped my lid on the other side of that door, and I used the type of language that I often try not to use {Oh My God King George just direct connected me to ask me to go get something from one of the coater operators, because he forgot I left … roflmao … sorry story break}, and it was LOUD and FOUL, and I was just bug eyed and FURIOUS! When I was done with my complete temper tantrum, I eyed all three of them, with a look of “Oh yeah … I told you” when Sam finally decided to speak up. Mind you now, he let me go through my little fit without so much as an interruption, or a dirty look.
“Ok, I completely understand where you are coming from, and I would have done the exact same thing you did, if I were in your position. I know that you understand that Denise is simply doing what she feels is her job, and it actually is, but she could have done it with a little more tact. I assure you that we were sitting here discussing your future with the company, and I am VERY sorry that I didn’t put an end to all of the foolishness, that followed your injury. I was trying to adjust to the new position, and you actually were a priority as soon as it could be addressed. I am sorry on behalf of the company, and I am sorry that I was not taking care of this sooner. This WOULD NOT have gotten this far had I known any of it.”, and with that I started feeling about 14 inches tall, because after all I am horribly co-dependant, and everything is always my fault. “As it was explained to me, the problem was that YOUR shift was moved from days to nights, and you stayed on days after your injuries, because of family commitments, and a few anger management problems you were having with your other shift, anyway. I still brought it to Billy and Denise’s attention that I felt regardless of how your position had technically changed, you are still doing your old job, and I have a proposal for you.”
The proposal boiled down to this. He asked me very kindly if I would mind going to the night shift, and taking over some operations that they just can’t get ANYONE to do, and I happen to be the company pro at. There is going to be a substantial pay increase and a 15% shift differential, which would all total out to almost 4$ an hour, but if I chose to stay on days instead, I would be given 1$ an hour immediately anyway, but unfortunately there was no higher positions available on the shift. He of course again apologized, and said specifically, “I really appreciate your help with my entering the company, and I promise that things are going to change. I also understand that you are probably still angry at a lot of the people you will be going to work with again, since it was their neglect that played a very large part in your injury, but I assure you, YOUR place in the company is a lot more secure then theirs are, since I have judged who is a worker and who isn’t. You will have full supervisory privileges to deal with anyone as you see fit” and although I heard what he was saying, I still hated that word “supervisor”, as it totally is NOT ME to be one, and it never has, his amazing ability to sense these things in people came out, as he added “I know you don’t like actually being a supervisor, and you think you failed at it before, but I watch you everyday, and YOU HAVE what it takes, and I wish I had several more like you. Unfortunately I don’t so I really need you to help me out here …. Please?”, and with that I responded with the only word I had … “Yes”.
He asked me if I had any questions, but to be totally honest with you I didn’t, he answered absolutely everything I could have asked, while he was talking, and with the “Yes” he had been looking for he left. I was left alone with the other two, and they started talking about football almost the second he left, but I had to ask the question, “What was that all about?”, which was quickly replied to by King George as “He like you because you explain everything, and do whatever it takes to get the job done. You even learn other languages, just to communicate better without bitching about how others should just learn English. I think he thinks you are just like him at his age, and I really started to think he was going to fire us.” which both of them started laughing about, but then Billy threw in his two cents finally and said “I thought the same thing. I was happy to see him happy.”
I actually was rather shocked about what happened as I truly feel that nobody ever learns sh*t from me, and all I ever do, most of the time is repeat myself. I spent today, trying to train my newest Capo in the Pink Mafia, who I replaced Iris with a couple of weeks ago {I picked a 60 year old man this time … lol … but I loved his spunk}, and as I was taking him around showing him this and that, I said to him, “You’ll do fine as King George’s right arm, he isn’t that hard to deal with really, it’s all these other idiots you have to look out for. Just stand your ground, and give it right back to them”, which made him laugh, as he looked at me, and said “Or I could do what you do, and treat this place like a circus even when I am following the elephant with a shovel!” which I told him, I owed him a quarter for that. ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

All writings Copyright © 2006 & Beyond Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest

So I start my day at Pink Mafia headquarters, after a long day previous of excruciating back pain that had spread to my right butt cheek {usually feels like a knife jammed in the side of your ass actually}, and I am not really recovering from the wonderful crap, that had happened to me at the therapists. When you have a blown out disk, it kinda goes with the territory {I suppose}, but I will whine about it, if I want to, because it is MY blog damnit! I am pretty much overworked by the Pink Mafia, as is everyone else here, and I also haven’t gotten over my huge demotion, and pay cut that followed my injury. I endure, because I need to feed the 4 evil bastards that I come home to every day, and in turn it also gets me away from those 4 evil bastards that I come home to every day, as well.
Well for lack of a better expression, “The crap really few” while I was off yesterday, and a LOT of things had changed. Although in my opinion, it was a take it or leave it on whether it was better or not. Pope George … oops … damnit … “King George”, came to me first thing as I entered the door, in my mind it sounded something like this “My most trusted Under boss, I need you to go down there, and rectify the entire, ‘Night Shift, didn’t do a damn thing last night’ problem. Try to have it done in about a third of the time the average human could do it, because I have several other impossible jobs for you to do afterwards!”, which probably meant parting the Red Sea, and walking on water, or many other biblical tasks that I have come to call commonplace around here. Life is usually 50/50 around here, the two who usually work, have already started their tasks, the two who rarely do .. haven’t. It is my job as the “Under boss” to motivate them in the best way possible.
“Jose! Tu es BAGO! Muy importante!”, as I ushered the lazy Dominican, who usually at the very least, starts moving when you call him on it. “Paul, come on man, you know you need to be setting up boxes, dude!”, I then say to the lazy ass product of American DNA. He starts moping around like Droopy the Dog, from the Woody Woodpecker cartoons, until I walk over and do the usual, “What the hell is the matter with you and your girlfriend now Paul?”, to which he replies like he always does, “I think she’s cheating on me again?”
“Jesus Christ, will you two just stop f*cking other people, or at least for the love of God, stop f*cking each other then?”, you have to know this person, to understand why I talk to him this way. Always does the wrong things in his damn life, never listens, always depressed. Most people try to talk him into a happier place, while I have decided that the very hard stick method, will probably work better, “I have told you a hundred times, and just think of it as older brother style advice, if you can’t be faithful to her, then you will always assume she is unfaithful to you! Just clean up your own emotional garbage, and then maybe, you can have a healthy relationship, where the two of you aren’t paranoid all the time.” to which he looked at me like I was still speaking Spanish. “I never think about cheating on my girlfriend, so I never assume that she is either, dude. I have been burned by it, but it beats being paranoid, trust me, ok?”, and with that he was at least working.
“I need you to go around to all of the guys and find out what they want for subs, go out to Supreme, and have them deliver them, on us. Oh and make sure you get the price!”, I simply nodded, as I heard “Go ask 84 people, who all will want fancy ass sh*t, the second they find out it is free, what you will torturously write down 97 separate instructions, for each order. Drive over to Supreme, where you will now be ‘the enemy’ for bringing in this huge list, and then ask the person there to itemize it, while you stand there, hating you!” … oh goodie, I can’t wait. 90 minutes later I am at Supreme with the list, the second they open the door for business, knowing full well that I am going to be despised! It went almost exactly as I saw it going except for a few wrinkles. The very young woman, who took my order from me, and started talking in a language that I think was Portuguese, was absolutely stunning to look at. I couldn’t really decipher what she was saying to her father {the owner} but I am pretty sure it involved my mother and inbreeding. As she made one smart remark after another, and talked down to me, all the while looking at me with such hatred. I had an eerie feeling, that was almost comfortable in it’s familiarity as this was going on. I couldn’t place my finger on it until I had the overwhelming urge to say “Yes Dear”, and then it totally hit me like a bolt of lightening, as I realized that I FEEL LIKE I AM MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN! ….. ACK!
Back to Pink Mafia HQ, and I had to distribute all of these subs, when they arrived. {the trick is to stand there, until they open them, so that you can simply take all of the bitching and whining about ‘how they are f*cked up’ on the spot … saves you from having to be hunted down later you see} I then realized that I had not gotten one sub, out of all 84, and it just so happened to be for one of the really nice, goofy Bosnians {my other children} at work. This one is the REALLY big one with the heart of a Teddy bear too. He looked like he was going to cry, and my heart was breaking … until … I looked down in my hand and realized that the sub with the name Jeremy on it was also a Large Toasted Italian, and I handed it over to him. He argued with me about it for a few minutes, but since I was the only one who wasn’t here yesterday when they thought up these plans, I had brought a lunch anyway. Warm Ham & Cheese on Wonder bread, who could ask for anything more!
The group congregated to get the report from the Vice President, about the new pay scales, and that we would all be getting a raise, that everyone except ME already knew about. The scales would be based on your job title, and I decided to wait until after he was through to go talk to him. Everyone else got told what their new salaries would be yesterday, and they were all rather large. I had yet to be told, but I wanted to talk to him about it anyway, “I just wanted to know what is going on with my ‘Job Title’ as I am technically the lowest here, because I was demoted, but I still do all of my old supervisor jobs, I was hoping that, it could be amended to something else, perhaps?” which he said he would get on right away. He got on it by having the HR director come down and tell me that {and this is the truth guys} “If you are cleared of light duty, you will be going from $12.23, to $12.25 an hour, as far as your job description goes, you are going to have to stay where you are until the Insurance company decides whether you are going to stay here or be sent to a different place of employment.” and with that I stood there dumbfounded.
I then walked up to King George's Office, where HIS boss was sitting there in a meeting with him, and slammed the door behind me ……… To Be Continued! ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

All writings Copyright © 2006 & Beyond Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest

Ok, it’s war now! I found out that one of the most feared members of TOKE {the Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s} has infiltrated one of my war rooms, and has taken one of my most sacred objects! Season 2 of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” is missing, and upon crossing enemy lines disguised as an angry father, Superdaddyman {aka “The Wig“ in honor of the Looney Leftist Lesbian who bought said Sacred object for Superdaddyman} notes, that there is no way in HELL that he is going to find it in that bedroom! As a matter of fact he can’t find a BED in THAT bedroom! On the far wall, there does appear to be something that looks kinda like a window, but it is hard to see it through all of the piles of neglected homework! Superdaddyman is going to have to think up a plan of attack quickly, before the girls get home from school and use the Confundus Curse on a poor confused enough already Superdaddyman!
The “Confundus Curse” is an old trick that the two super evils’s {Lazius Boycrazius & Imtoocutus} had learned by reading Harry Potter {that’s what you get for teaching them to read Dumbass}, which involves great mental strength and superior intellect, but “The Faction” {as these two are known if “The Boy” isn’t involved}, have mastered it to a tee.
“I didn’t do it, she did!” ah yes, I was prepared for this one. Note the way they both said it in perfect unison, like a Satanic version of En Vouge, with the two part harmony. Neither of them breaking eye contact with Superdaddyman, not even for an instance. Their solidarity in the way they use the Confundus Charm is alarming! The trick is to stand your ground, and get these two to simply pick up the room, despite their objections to the obvious plan of attack.
“I don’t care who did this, you are both going to have to clean this mess up, it’s you girls’ room,” said a dumbfounded Superdaddyman trying to maintain, his good grace, while not giving in to the temptation to yell. He knows that yelling, and erratic behavior, is exactly what they want. They break you that way you see, as strong as they are to hold the ground of laziness, ever harder must Superdaddyman hold his ground to NOT reduce himself to their infantile level. No way … No How!
After a very loud crash the alarms start sounding “Daddy, she’s NOT HELPING!!”, and we are off again, the trick is to make a slight pounding in your steps when you go up the stairs to have a chat with Imtoocutus, she is a primal beast, and responds much better to certain stimuli, like sound, and bright lights. You have to make sure that you are using the level one foot pounding, and the mild arguing with yourself. Anything more, and you have nothing left in the guns for future visits to the enemy camp. “Daddy, I was helping!” was the first thing that the littlest, yet evilest of the two said before the door was even half way open.
“Look … I don’t care who thinks who did what, please clean this mess up, you two made it and I have important things to do!” as you will note there is one exclamation point added to signify that the tone of voice has elevated slightly. I then went downstairs to the SuperdaddymanCave {aka … the smoking area with the computer} to get back to my all important blogging.
A faint voice came from the top of the stairs, several minutes later “Um .. Daddy?” was the voice of Imtoocutus, and although Superdaddyman can see through this evil plot he plays along by saying “What?!” again noting the one exclamation point. The answer came down just as sweet and soft “I love you”, which is a common tactic of the “Little Evil” to beguile Superdaddyman with the treachery of good intentions, when in reality, it is an excuse to roam around the house hoping that the other evil, will get a big chunk of the cleaned done, while she is getting reamed. It is a small price to pay, in the interest of not doing anything, but Superdaddyman knows all, as he yells back, “I love you too, now get back to cleaning!!” uh oh, is that two exclamation points we see?
“GET OUT OF HERE!!!!” and a lot of things being thrown around … absolute chaos! Pounding much harder, speaking to himself a lot clearer our brave defender of the evils’s, storms up the stairs, and opens the door with a pronounced thud. Sprawled out in the middle of the floor making “Snow Angels” in the mess is Captain ADHD, and the girls each laying on each of their beds. Lazius Boycrazius on one bed with her headphones on reading the new Harry Potter book {most definitely looking for new magical sh*t to use on Superdaddyman}, on the other one Imtoocutus, playing with her box full of Barbie dolls. The only one in here that seems to be expending any energy is Captain ADHD, but he ISN’T cleaning exactly EITHER! “I am giving you girls until 7 o’clock to have this room cleaned, or else you are both going to bed at 7:30!! Have I made myself CLEAR!!!” whoa, a third exclamation point has been added, Superdaddyman must be pissed. The Confundus Charm is working.
“That’s MINE … YOU GAVE IT TO ME!” followed by a high pitched “WAAAAAAAHHHIIIIEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA” which usually means there is in-fighting amongst the natives … AGAIN! BANG - BANG - BANG, "&^%**&^ … $@*&^% … &*^%$#" there were no louder footsteps left in Superdaddyman’s arsenal of fear tactics now, and the language was downright loud, and possibly could qualify as child abuse in many southern states. The door is now banged open! The mess is still all around, except for perhaps all of the FOOD that was added to it, and slopped all over EVERYTHING! … “WHO THE HELL GAVE YOU KIDS FOOD!!!!?” the fourth exclamation point is now added, anything more involves a lot of beer, and a bar with rednecks to fight with. “WHO!!!!?” as Captain ADHD came into the room holding an ice cream that was dripping all over his pajamas. “Bummy gave it to us, cuz Tabrina was upset that she didn’t get desert,” and I knew it all along! Greektradgedius Inyiddish and those Mophaka Al-Queholic {MAQ} goons were in on this from the start too. Just wait until Superdaddyman gets home from work tomorrow, he’s gonna hide the damn dog, on her again. ;8o)

Want More Free Art? ...Visit the new angelis deZines on the web at www.jeremycrow4life.com/angelisdezines or check out my galleries at CherryTap

mo·nog·a·my… 1 archaic : the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime … 2 : the state or custom of being married to one person at a time … 3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

I am not actually in “preachy” mode, I am doing a blog entry today, at the request of a dear online friend, who’s posts mean a lot to me. Upon her recollection that I had married a lesbian, she had thought it would be good if I talked about, what it was like to be involved in a “threesome” as most men fantasize about it, and often don’t know the ramifications of it. I am going to have another one of these to explain the "dealing with losing a wife, to a woman" some day, but at the time she didn’t know that my experience with this sort of thing went back much further. It led me to the decision to NOT play that game, when it was brought up to me with the last wife, so I am going to {like I always do}, give a somewhat searching and fearless story about my college girlfriend Jennifer. It may be a little disturbing to some, but I guarantee it to be eye opening to many.

I was starting to come into my own, at college, as I was finally remaking the name for myself as a hockey player, as I had once done in High School. My year off between High School and College, hindered me slightly, but I had many drinking demons, and other social ills that needed fixing before I started this chapter of my life. I was also coming off a year and a half break from women entirely, as I was straitening out all of the wreckage of my past. It finally came time for me to simply accept my role as a man with needs, when I started dating one of my classmates . Her name was Charity {and yes the jokes were all around that I would be dating a woman named Charity .. Ha ha ha}, who for the last couple of months of my Freshman year, was a wonderful girlfriend. We parted ways as she had transferred to UVM {she was from Vermont}, amicably, and other than one of her best friends Jennifer, she really has nothing to do with this story. Jen on the other hand, now she is very integral, because she was the epitome of man hating lesbians at school. Well every man except me, I think.

Every man at school would have killed a human to be with Jen, she was tall, blonde, perfect figure, and last I checked with her, she is still a magazine model, as is her {then} girlfriend Emily. All any of us ever knew about her, was that she hated men, for the most part, due to family issues, and I never put up with a moment of her crap. Anytime she would interject her opinions, I would have a snappy comment, that would usually shut her up. She later started calling me God, in retaliation, and most people would have thought we hated each other. The truth, was that we were very secretly falling in love with each other, and toward the end of my courtship of Charity, it was becoming WAY TOO obvious. Charity’s last comment to Jen, as she was leaving to go back to Vermont {as they both told me}, was “Please try to NOT be sleeping with Jeremy the minute I leave”, and we were proud of ourselves for waiting a week.

The irony of the whole situation is that I was living the 21 year old male dream, just without the beer. I was in love with a beautiful {now} bi-sexual woman, who was always encouraging me to have threesomes with her, {also} super-model girlfriend, and I didn’t really understand how my own make-up, couldn’t love one minute of it really. I found all of the experiences to be confusing at best, and emotionally crippling at the worst points of it. I was very much in love with Jen, and in her own way, I was pretty sure that she was in love with me too, but her emotional separations, and my inability to be, was pure hell on me. I never could get over the fact that there was actually another person in the mix, that was sharing all of this, just as intimately, and often more so. The sexual experiences started out as “Oh goodie, I’m confused, can I play too?” and started getting more along the way of “Oh damnit, what’s the point, who cares” and this was adding to the whole suicidal tendencies make-up that I suffered at the end of it.

I talked about the woman {in past blogs} who came to me and told me that she had miscarried, and that she only told me because she had, otherwise she would have gotten an abortion. It was one of the major LIFE ALTERING events which led me to a mental hospital, after a failed suicide attempt. This was the woman, and it only added to the “distrust” that had been going on for months. At this point we had been together over a year, and I was getting pretty sick of the whole “emotional sharing” that was going on. I didn’t realize until after I was entrenched in the emotional scarring that was happening over the miscarriage, that I wasn’t even the only man. Emily {for reasons I think were somewhat noble, although painful} let me in on some dirty little secrets about the two of them, as they had been picking up other men to have their threesomes with, as I had finally started refusing many months before. The baby I had been crying over quite possibly wasn’t even mine.

I did get enraged, and I did throw Jen out of my life instantly, and I did do what almost anyone with a raging case of depression would do at the time. I started sleeping around like a cat, and in the end it was just another deadly symptom of what was going to lead to a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When I had finally given up, and was holed up in a room, after not eating for almost a week, it was Jen who called my best friend Lizzie {also a lesbian … go figure … I am such a “whatever the opposite of Fag Hag” is} and they got me to the mental hospital, where I got the help I needed to survive. I was almost 3 years sober, and I didn’t want to live, and lack of monogamy, played a huge role in it. Some of us are just made for it, and should find it in ourselves to just not sway.

In the defense of Jen, I will say this … she visited me every visitors day, the entire time I was in the hospital. She was loyal, and very much so wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, while I was in there. My acceptance of what we both were, was what led to her being set “free” for lack of a better word, after I got out of the hospital. She has been in a monogamous “female female” relationship, since the week after we broke up, and I think it had everything to do with the experience I just told you all about. I on the other hand am just happy that I have my Polly Pureheart after all of those failed attempts between then and now. I hope this was kinda what you were looking for Rachel, you know I love ya. ;8o)

Every time I write one of these stupid "Bad Back" volumes I just pray that it is the last one. I realize that they were what pretty much got my blogging ball rolling, but I just want to get back to serious life issues like chasing around Captain ADHD, and Imtoocutus, but I digress, here goes nothing ... I am using this font to signify the pain I am in, and because it reminds me of Imtoocutus :D
I got absolutely NO sleep last night. The combination of terror, over the impending 4 hour therapy marathon, and the fact that I had been spoiled the last 3 nights made Superdaddyman, just a little bit cranky, as he showed up for the appointment. I pretty much already figured out the whole scenario. I would go in there, some totally hot babe {disguised as a physical therapist}, would then torture me for 4 hours, forcing me to embarrass myself due to my slight “pain fetish” that I have managed to keep from just about everyone besides the poor woman who does my tattoos, and until I stopped wearing sweats to my old PT, her as well. Oh yes, many levels of sick, come out of me at times like these you see. Needless to say, I am also not thrilled that it has been told to me AHEAD of time by all of the newly recruited members of Mophaka Al-Queholic {MAQ}, the terrorist organization led by none other than the evil mastermind Greektradgedius Inyiddish, that I will be in far more pain after this “hell” test, then before. As I sit here typing hunched over I must say that it is nice to have some honesty, but why should it start now … ouch.
I walked into the front for MAQ, which was disguised as “Access Sports Medicine and Orthopedics”, to see … ah yes … they did their research on what makes Superdaddyman HOT too … a gorgeous Auburn Haired Goddess, with legs up to her armpits {and for you boob perverts … you would have been happy with that feature too}, and a very tight skirt on like something one of the Williams sisters would be wearing at the US open! I was instinctively thinking, I should probably just go over and introduce myself to her seeing as she was going to make the next 4 hours of my life hell anyway. I was thinking up what to say … something along the lines of … “My name is Jeremy, and although I am going to look like I am trying to pole vault out of here in an hour or so, I just wanted you to know ahead of time that I am taken, and very happy with that … How are you??” and flash that little smirk that usually gets me out of a lot of the things I say.
“Hello, you must be Jeremy, my name is Chad, and I am going to be conducting your Workplace Evaluation Test,” a very cheerful little man said from behind me, as I very quickly wiped the drool … oops I mean … eye boogers out of my eyes with my shirt. “Ok now before I start I want you to understand that you are probably going to be leaving here in a lot of pain .. I hope someone said something to you about it?” as I stood there trying to glance over his shoulder one last time as Tawny Kittaen’s much hornier looking sister as she toddled off with some 89 year old man. My first thought was on how I would ever face my blogging public without some story about how I got an erection during this whole ordeal. Well let’s see what we can come up with.
He wasn’t actually a bad guy, but I wasn’t too thrilled with doing all of the things repeatedly, that the doctor tells me, I will regret forever, if I do them. I actually made it almost 3 hours before I finally let out that “OUCH!” that signified … um … problem! So here I am just hunched over like that
wicked old mechanic at work that actually broke his back twice, and I can’t even fathom the thought of standing upright. My right leg was starting to go numb, which is NEVER a good sign, because it always means temporary paralysis the next day, and I just so happened to look out toward the front desk to see … “The Mother of all the Evils’s!!!” … OMFG … kill me now. She’s here on another one of her insurance scams, to see me bent over like her uncle Sid {the corn farmer}, which probably will make it all worth while to her, when she gets denied. Oh man … It’s even worse, I have an erection now … why me! I thank God that Chad was sympathetic to my plight as he concealed Superdaddyman, behind the curtain, just in time to avoid the tragedy, of having to be humiliated by the Ex-Wife, and NOT the one who kisses other women in front of his Grandmother either! This is the one who usually humiliates him by what she does when he is NOT around.
The last of the visit went by pretty easily since they had stood me upright, and had already accomplished the task of totally f*cking me up again, as I am still pretty sure they had intended, all along. As Superdaddyman was leaving the building, he still had the opportunity to take another look at the Auburn Haired Goddess to see if she had killed the old man yet, and perchance to just fanaticize a little about “What could have been”! Oh but I will have to wait for my next spinal injection, to be totally tormented, but it gives me something to look forward .. ahem … I mean … um … be totally afraid of, in a few weeks. I walked out the door wondering if I should have changed into my jeans from my sweats, but I just wanted to get home. I made it as far as the stairs to hear the most annoying voice I had ever heard in my life {I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night, just thinking about it} … “Oh my God! What are yeeeeeewwwww doing heeeeeeaaaaaah?”, and as I stopped and turned toward her to be polite, she looked down {cuz she is a whore after all}, and then looked back up at my face with a little smirk of her own, “So are you happy to see me again, or did that leggy Redhead, just beat on ya?” … so much for the crap I thought was a secret. ;8o)

Ok ... so I had to do the Astrological chart that Sol's page led to .. I have decided to post it and Highlight the things that are obvious about me ... and Highlight the things that are up for debate ... and Highlight the things that I couldn't fool any of you into beleiving if I tried ... lol ... {Miscellaneous comments by yours truly will be in these thingies}

Name: Jeremy Crow
March 5 1970
12:00 PM Time Zone is EST {Ok ... See How It Works}

Rising Sign is in 09 Degrees Cancer
Very sensitive by nature, you prefer to be in your own familiar surroundings. Cautious and conservative, you make changes in your life only very slowly, if at all. You do not open up easily to strangers. Friendships are made for life, however -- once given, your trust is forever. Your mother, your home as a child and your early family life in general are very important to you. {other than the fact that it f*cked me up ... lol} You are also very sentimental. When you feel self- confident, you are gentle, giving and protective of the needs of others. But when you feel insecure or threatened, you become overly sensitive to criticism, shy, withdrawn and moody. You have a strong need for security -- in the sense that you are being loved, nourished and protected.

Sun is in 14 Degrees Pisces.
Extremely sensitive and emotional, you absorb the emotions of others (whether positive or negative) like a sponge. Emotionally vulnerable, you are easily upset and tend to cry readily. You are at your best when you can structure your environment in such a way that you are surrounded by positive, upbeat people. You are very helpful and understanding of the needs of others. Indeed, at times this can be a disadvantage, because you can be a sucker for anyone who needs help. Shy, dreamy, romantic in nature, you delight in retreating into your private fantasy world. Just be careful that you do not get lost in it! Trust your intuitions -- you may be quite psychic. {Ok so I am WHICKID Pisces, I always have been}

Moon is in 16 Degrees Aquarius.
Very freedom-oriented, you must always be able to do what you wish, no matter what. You become stubborn and recalcitrant when others try to force you into a mold. {I should have a different color blue for NO SH*T} You are a true democrat {and a different shade of pink for NO F*CKING WAY} -- you are not a follower, but you enjoy being with those who are like-minded. You appreciate emotional self-control -- you practice it yourself and you look for it in others. You solve problems, including emotional ones, with your brains and intellect, not your feelings. Try to be tolerant of those who have powerful and obvious emotional responses -- not everyone is as objective, cool, dispassionate and detached as you are. {never thought I had ANYTHING in common with Aquarians ... the one blue was a shocker}

Mercury is in 29 Degrees Aquarius.
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. {there's the NO SH*T blue again} Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things. {damn I should read up on Aquarians, but throwing all that in with Democrat, I think is really stretching it ... must be b.s. ... lol}

Venus is in 24 Degrees Pisces.
You have a dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature and a very creative imagination. Indeed, at times, your private fantasies are more appealing than the reality around you and it is difficult for you to leave them. You tend to be unselfish and giving in relationships and are extremely sensitive of the needs of others. Be very sure that those you help are worthy of your devotion and are not merely taking advantage of your innocence and naivete. {wow, Pisces stuff ... go figure}

Mars is in 29 Degrees Aries.
You are very independent and self-assertive, and you have lots of physical energy. You are not satisfied unless you can be the first to do something. As such, you are more comfortable in leadership positions than you are as an underling. {nope ... me Indian ... me not Cheif ... mostly because I don't find it worth it} When you are challenged by anyone for anything, you delight in the competitive process and will fight long and hard for your beliefs. You are bold and courageous and often act without thinking. At times, in your zeal to get ahead, you are tactless and offensive -- learn that cooperation with others can often bring you nearer to your goals quicker because of the support you will get. {as much as it pisses me off to admit it}

Jupiter is in 05 Degrees Scorpio.
You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others. {oh f*ck yea ... glad to have something to blame it on finally}

Saturn is in 05 Degrees Taurus.
Complete freedom of choice makes you ill at ease. You must have a firm, ordered, secure foundation in your life in order to feel comfortable. You do not adapt easily and tend to fear the new and untried. You constantly fear that you do not have enough (love, property, material things, etc.) and this makes you tend toward being selfish, withdrawn and stingy. If you try to surround yourself with supportive people in your environment, you will become more emotionally self-supporting. {only thing I can think of saying is TADAH!!!}

Uranus is in 07 Degrees Libra.
You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. {not by choice damnit ... but I have to agree} Personal freedom is more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. {nope I am a nester ... I desperately love to build nests, and every woman who ever left me had claw marks all over her} In the realm of art and aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual. {ask Elonna, and Rachel}

Neptune is in 00 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village." {very true, but I think everyone else's idea of how to do these things suck's balls ... I'm actually a conservative with very liberal leanings in art and expression "as long as it ISN'T forced on those that don't want it"}

Pluto is in 26 Degrees Virgo.
For your entire generation, this will be a time when profound changes in society's attitude toward work, duty and responsibility will be initiated. {yea as in we stopped all that liberal B.S. which destroyed the family, and is starting to finally accept some more traditional values as being acceptable .. despite what the news tells us .. true tolerance} Radical changes in attitudes toward personal health and general nutrition will be promulgated and gain wide acceptance and practice. {of course I still want a cigarette that has a full days supply of vitamin C}

N. Node is in 11 Degrees Pisces.
You're attracted to others who need your assistance. You seem to go out of your way to form relationships with those who are weak, sick, injured, addicted or troubled in some way or other. At your best you can indeed provide the relief that others need. But at times you can be victimized by those who would prey on your good nature and take advantage of you. This can lead to all sorts of negative situations -- make sure that those you assist are truly worthy of your time, energy and commitment. A little enlightened self-protectiveness on your part can make your life work much, much smoother! {geeze you would think I just got done saying I was a Pisces, and the week previus saying I am co-dependant or something}

I hope you all had as much fun reading this as I had making it, highlighting it, and commenting on it ... ;8o)

I got home from work Friday in a pretty good mood to begin with, it was one of the amazingly up cycles of my bi-polar nature, so everyone at work had been commenting on how they loved “this Jeremy” that was walking around like a crack addict who had just gotten his fix. I was approaching everyone and holding out my bag saying “Cheeto?”, and anyone who didn’t take one was subject to “the routine” of me walking around behind them reading off the ingredients, “You see it does have Phenylanine in it, a known carcinogenic … that means they are extra yummy!”, followed by comments of “Look every 21 of these has 6% of a full days supply of vitamin E!” … upon a weird look or two, “Where else are you going to get Vitamin E, are you having eggplant for dinner? Elephant?” and the day would get loonier as I go. I suppose that it comes with the territory, I often get pretty honest with the Bosnians I work with, when they comment, “Sorry to break it to you, but there is no “this Jeremy” without that “other Jeremy”, it’s the nature of the beast.”
Most of the people that work at Pink Mafia headquarters are either Bosnian, or they are Latin American. The English speaking people are far outnumbered by the Spanish speaking people, and the Servo- Croatians, are starting to get there. It’s very hard work, and the average American, isn’t willing to do it after all. The Anglos come in and quit, the Latinos & Bosnians come in and stay … I am fine with that. I even learned almost completely how to speak Spanish, and the Servo-Croatian is coming along nicely. The Bosnians though in particular (all 9 of them) have particularly taken an interest in me, as I am very happy to learn their words. “Why not” I say, they learn mine, and I do know the difference, they live here and all, but the absolute joy in their faces when I learn to say words like “Falla” {thank you} and “Itsvini” {excuse me} or the fact that I greet them every morning with “dobro jutro” {good morning} is like seeing the smiles on my own children sometimes. They are spelled exactly how they sound by the way.
Speaking of children I had to come home, and immediately don the cape of Superdaddyman, as I had a call from my youngest daughters teacher waiting for me on the machine. It appears that she is spitting on other kids, forcibly taking things from them, and she punched one boy so hard in the nose that it bled for an hour. Despite the encouragement of {new code name} “The Yummy Mummy”, to not kill her, I had to deal with this swiftly. I will not have any bullies in my house. “What happened to the sweet little girl who used to be Imtoocutus,” I said to myself as I was plotting everything that it would take to make her the right level of miserable. I figured out what happened, she turned into a girl, right before my very eyes, and I am NOT to be trifled with. I went through this before, everyone note that she has a 13 year old sister for God’s sake.
Off the bus she came, in the house she went, onto the couch she sat, and I started pacing. It is after all one of the things that Superdaddyman does during his interrogation practices. I could see the fear in the eyes of Imtoocutus, she knew she was in for it now, I made the first statement that came to my mind {an age old Fink family technique that my father taught him, and was then handed down to me} … “What do you have to say for yourself Mister … oops I mean Missy” noting that the shake up was based on not actually having to talk to anything that wasn’t a spastic boy getting off the bus in a long time. She is cunning though, she went strait to the most dreaded weapon in the Imtoocutus arsenal … she started bawling her little eyes out.
“They are all mean to me … I told them to stop … the teacher is supposed to protect me … I’m just a yiddle girl … I don’t want to go to school” and it was that incredibly high pitched scream that is kinda like a whisper … yeah that one that just rips your miserable heart out and drops it on the floor in front of you. “You’re my daddy … how can you let the boys punch me … I hate boys …” oh the agony of it all, as I grabbed her, and tried to calm her down, … what was this all about again .. Oh yeah …
“Listen baby-girl, you can’t just punch and spit on other kids at school …” and I was drowned out by yet another octave higher, the dog was starting to stir, and Greektradgedius Inyiddish was coming .. Oh God no … Superdaddyman can not face both of them at the same time. I am so totally screwed, this was not in the parenting manual that they gave me at the hospital the day she was born. For the amount of money that whole ordeal cost me it should have damnit!
I think I did ok, she promises that she will not hit anyone unless she was hit first, and I only had to buy her Burger King {I made her wait till she was done eating it all before she got the toy, I showed her … humph!}, to get all of the screaming and wailing to stop. I was pretty happy to get off so cheap, I thought I was going to have to give her the keys to the Focus, for a while there, and as usual I imagine that you are wondering how this all ties together? Look up the word’s “jebeti”, “supak”, and “seljak” sometime … they come in handy, when you don’t want to corrupt your kids any worse than you already have. Je Te Volim Misliti To ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

All writings Copyright © 2006 & Beyond Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest

In happiness that one of my best friends is out of the hospital, and recovering at home, I am using her IM font for my blog tonight. Now this was originally a letter that I was going to send to a friend, who I felt was in some trouble, based on his emotional make-up, he appears to not want it, so I am forcing it upon him, by posting it in my blog … lol … I am probably totally wrong in his case, but after having a great talk with one of my dearest online friends I decided that posting it as a “co-dependency 12th step “ was probably a good idea. It is often something that most of us have in common, in one form or another. For those of you who do not know what a 12th step is, it is a way of sharing yourself, your experiences, to hope that someone else may learn, and be able to grow by relating to what you have been through. It is what alcoholics like myself do to stay sober, and it is also a good basis for any sort of sharing, between two people who need to grow, and recover from, just about anything … enjoy …

So I remember back as far as I can, and the one thing that was always prevalent in my life was that I rarely if ever felt loved. Even if I was, and it was blatantly obvious, I was always incapable of processing any sort of human compassion properly. If it were someone who was trying to help me, I would exploit what they were attempting, only to chase them away, or harm them in their attempt to love me, or care for me. My ways of actually accepting what I thought was love, was to allow it to get out of control, drive me to many poor decisions, and inevitably, it would always turn into abuse, in one form or another. Not abuse, as I would lay it out, but abuse in the way I, or any other human being would be treated under the same circumstances. Anything that had to do with being loved in my mind required something that resembled a hostage situation, whether it was on my part or the other. Inevitably whatever happened along the way I would sooner or later, start actually feeling abuse, and that would lead to feeling trapped, which would lead to fantasizing about what I wished I was, and would force me to shut down. My own self abusive behavior as it pertained to relationships, always led to me being destructive, or even worse being destructive to others.
I never entered into ANY relationship expecting abuse of any sort, in the beginning, I would just pretend that it was a wonderful relationship, and the poisoning would just start to happen. It would start slowly, and then it would get worse, along the way I would try harder, and do whatever SHE wanted just to be “allowed” my happiness, and in my own sick mind I always though that “This is what I deserve, and it is all I can get, because I am worthless”. I would gain any little piece of sanity, happiness, or peace with HER permission at all times, until I finally started hating myself to the point of doing something stupid, and then becoming even more enslaved to the abusive persons wishes. I would then inevitably OWE her the pleasure of whatever hell she put me through, or any of the marching orders that she placed upon me. The vicious cycle would continue ad-nausea until she had totally sucked everything out of me and left me a shell of what little I was from the last one. I would in turn be far more susceptible to the next one to come along, and in time I thought that simply denying myself any rage, or temptation that the angry controlling person was driving me too, was the way to be WELL in all of it. I though MY demons were what was at issue here, and although they were, it had NOTHING to do with why I constantly lived in a fantasy, and hated myself. I was assisting someone in my own destruction.
I shall give you a true look into the last girlfriend who finally put me over the edge, and gave me the epiphany to simply tell everyone that I was a love addict, and needed to just be alone. Why I walked around in a daze, truly believing that I should just be alone, and wishing that I was simply normal. My quote the whole time {and you can ask any woman who came in contact with me} was “I am totally incapable of having a healthy relationship, and I am not going to be trying anytime soon” … during this process I was totally beating the shit out of myself, but it was the only way I could get through the epiphany. I am hoping that others suffer it less.
I met this woman online … she was supposedly a friend of my girlfriend and mine at the time, and when the relationship with the girlfriend ended, she displayed a lot of genuine looking affection toward me. She was considered by a lot of people (myself included) to be a very sane and well person, so I was actually flattered, and elated over the attention. It became pretty serious quickly, and I was generally happy to be with her. She started commenting on many of my behaviors instantly, and had a wonderful way of making me feel stupid for not noticing them. She would get very jealous of ANY other women, who were my friends, or just casual acquaintances, and would start to get really cruel to me if I was to be in any way that she considered “flirtatious”. It would usually lead to some sort of lecture on how I was just to gullible to notice that the things I do leads women on. The fighting would lead to name calling {all her} and sooner or later I would simply shut up about it and accept the poisoning, because it was just EASIER. I did EVERYTHING to make this woman happy. I spent days nursing her back to health after a surgery. I spent every dime I had trying to make her happy. I completely abandoned any of my friends, yahoo, and any other sort of human contact that would interfere with her control over me. The poison was seeping into every fiber of my being. She was spending less time actively caring about my feelings. She kept total control of what I said, did etc, and I was mistaking it all for true love. Hopelessly, madly, forever in love.
I started hating myself as I always do. I was doing the same things I always do. I was with the same woman I was almost always with, and I was starting to slip out of reality, and into my fantasies. It all starts with the lying about being happy, then the lying about being loved, and it inevitably led to me lying about me. I started dreaming of being a human being, with feelings, and popularity, and all of the things I just didn’t have. I started trying to convince people of this, and I started wishing that I would just do to this woman, what she contended every other man ever did to her. I look back on all of the women in my life that I have loved in this fashion, and think that they ALL deserved it. I on the other hand did it once long ago, and I thought that it was me. It was me, but it was merely a symptom of my co-dependant mind that forced me to believe that I had to become what these women wanted. I had to take the poison, and I also had to hate myself for living in the dream worlds that they forced me into, even if by this time I was a willing participant.
The epiphany came after I hurt my back at work. She IMMEDIATELY started to force me out of her life, her downright cruelty became so much worse that I actually ended up crying myself to sleep every night. I was distraught because I lived in that world that I fantasized about. All of that time I spent nursing her back to health should have been money in the bank, and all it ended up being, was another disappointment, when she started telling me that I was no fun anymore. I hated myself for that. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t take care of my kids, and I was at this point crying over a woman who NEVER loved me. I was desperate, to try to make her love me again, but it was never to happen. I had heard through the grapevine that she wanted to get rid of me, when I was talking to one of those people that she tried to keep me from, by telling me constantly that I was going to cheat on her with her. The poison as it was infected into my very soul, but something strange happened, the epiphany, as I was genuinely furious at HER, instead of me. It was so obvious that she had PLANTED that pill, with every intention of it getting back to me, and I wasn’t going to accept it. I dumped her miserable ass, as I had NEVER been able to do that before. I was free.
I spent several months beating myself up while displaying that I was ok. I did have some time to look at the very things that were my biggest problems, as far as co-dependency was concerned. The things I looked for in a woman were the things I truly hated about myself. I convinced myself that I was finding women that I related too. For the last 18 years of my life, I was with women who hated themselves, were suicidal, were constantly scorned, were undependable in every way shape or form, were used by others, and most importantly emotionally unstable. Between the two of us, there would always be someone in the victim role {almost always ME}, and someone in the aggressor role {who I would pretend to be in my fantasies}, and if I couldn’t make someone else happy, I was useless, and I would find someone else to take it all out on. Misplaced rage, and confusion.
The woman I am with now, was one of my best friends, and she spent ,many days trying to convince me that I was just sick. I wasn’t THE CAUSE of all of my problems, just a horrible co-partner in most of them. As time passed we ended up giving in to our feelings, but NOT until AFTER I had resolved the bullshit, that had controlled my life for so long. I look upon her today, and aside from my 3rd wife {who became a lesbian, so that is problem enough .. lol}, does NOT display the majority of the problems that I have always looked for in my women. No suicide attempts, no prior spousal abuse {physical, or cheating}, no emotionally abusive traits, and thinks she is as bad of a mother as I often think I am as a father, and we both note how obviously wrong we BOTH are. I NEVER would have found any of this without a very searching and fearless moral inventory {got it on my computer}, and the ability to be ALONE long enough to do my OWN damn thinking, with the help of nothing but FRIENDS who love me, not women I wish would, but secretly was expecting to not. ;8o)

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Florence Ellen - named after her mother, and her grandmother ... Code Name "Really Big Evil" aka “The Enabler“ ... phylum "Greektradgedius Inyiddish" - greatest contributions to the world thus far - Has been able to almost single handedly keep Superdaddyman in Megalopolis Nooooo Hampshah, despite his greatest wish to be ELSEWHERE … Future great moments should include - The patent on the only known 11th degree black belt in the martial art of “GUILT“ … “And on a solemn note … Superdaddyman has fallen pray to the Superdeeduper Guilt ray of death! …. Captain ADHD is running Megalopolis now!”

Ok … after a whopping 9 days of waiting on this woman, hand and foot, I have decided to get even with her … Immortality {fiendish laughter … followed by the most sinister thunder … ECHOES !!! Rumbling …. Muahahahahahahahahahahaha}, and perhaps a new found strategy should follow. It has been the intent of “The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s” {TOKE}, to interfere with anything that makes Superdaddyman happy! This is all a part of the big picture for any of the minor, and major outlying factions of “Operation Get Daddy” {OGD}, and it’s sister cell’s known as “Mophaka Al-Queholic” {MAQ}, and “Operation Get Jeremy” {OGJ}. To date it hasn’t had such incredible terrorist lingering, as it has of late. You see MAQ, has gone to great expense to send it’s greatest agent in “Really Big Evil” {RBG}, to give aid and comfort to the enemy TOKE, as it appears that there is a new plan going madhouse in the streets of Megalopolis. They even called out the big guns, as they brought in the secret weapon of OGJ as well …. Superdaddyman’s alter ego “Jeremy’s” …. GIRLFRIEND!

Although their organizational skills are about as diabolical, as any “pure evil” organization since the whicked bad people in the X-Men, Superdaddyman is always vigilant with his super power of “Passivogressiveness” and the foresight skills of “HyperParanoia!”, and with these skills he can see strait through anything that these evil organizations throw at him. Let me explain some of the situations that led up to the incident we will be calling “Operation Get Daddy’s Love Life” {OGDLL} shall we, and you will see how wonderfully Superdaddyman handles all of these scenarios!

About 3 weeks ago Superdaddyman’s alter ego “Jeremy” had scheduled a little meeting of sorts with his girlfriend {Polly Pureheart … yeah that works}, in which they would have some good clean fun … probably some Ice Cream, a soda, and perhaps a clean wholesome slumber party. Note how announcers like me can say things like that with a strait face, and a deep voice. The first problem to face Jeremy, and Polly was an all out assault using the “poverty” excuse, which went something like this, “Why don’t you bring Polly over for Pizza, instead of taking her out to dinner, since you are broke with all the birthdays?”, caught off guard, as Superdaddyman is sometimes when faced with such blinding evil, he agreed to the small peace conference, and warned Polly about the great evil that she was about to encounter! Little did Superdaddyman know at the time, that Polly was truly an OGJ operative, because the “Foamy Flying Elvis Head Incident” had yet to occur. Now of course Jeremy, was unsuspecting of what was to occur next, since he had so expertly covered up the “girlfriend” from the family for many weeks now, and had them masterfully convinced that when she stayed over, she slept in the “Guest Room”.

Upon arriving at the Casa Di Evils’s it had become apparent almost instantly, that something was brewing, as she had worn a nice dress, and was prepared to kiss the ring of the “Grandmother of all the Evils’s” while she was perched on her throne in the corner. She then had the absolute audacity to sit by her, and start … omg … ok … TALKING TO HER! The evil plan should have been recognized instantly but Superdaddyman was totally weakened by one of OGJ secret weapons! I think it’s called HORNY … and he was powerless to do anything as they talked in secret codes right in front of him … OH THE HUMANITY!!! The evil process looked a lot like one of Greektradgedius Inyiddish’s old plays from the days of old when she actually had daughters of her own, and Superdaddyman actually thought it was a weaponry miscue on the part of “Really Big Evil” that she would use the oldest trick in the book to ruin the potential sleep-over … “Operation Like The Date” {OLTD} will never work on such a Superhero as Superdaddyman! {Besides the fact that he is a boy, and that trick only makes GIRLS hate the BOYS that they bring home … it rarely works in reverse!} The only problems that were recorded during the rest of the peace conference were the illegible code talk about … cute baby … adorable boy … great father … and the other things that Superdaddyman could not decipher, and of course the fact that it seemed to take many different “I think we can GO now‘s“ to pry the two terrorist cell leaders apart. The next day, when Greektradgedius Inyiddish proclaimed to Jeremy, “I really like that Polly, I hope you keep her”, Superdaddyman was able to see it as a trap! The next remark of “But please stop treating me like I am stupid. If you two are going to pretend that you aren’t sleeping together, can you at least mess up the guest bed a little?”, which immediately made Superdaddyman set the mental note “Hide the ‘Passivogressive Bombs’ better, she is infiltrating your weapons stash!”

Then, of course, there was the “Foamy Flying Elvis Head” incident which made me conclude that she was definitely an OGJ operative. Since then I have been waiting for an evil plot like this to unfold. It was going to happen at yet another time of weakness like this! First MAQ and TOKE conspire to spread biological agents all throughout the house, thus forcing Superdaddyman to have to wait on them hand and foot, until he was too exhausted to even think strait. Next they would wait until he made plans to {GTFOOD} … Saturday night our usual date … out by her house … until … “I rescheduled my birthday party for Saturday Night.” came out of the evil evil woman’s mouth. Superdaddyman knew that this meant he was doomed … chauffeuring evils’s and their terrorist allies to hell and back instead of seeing his sweetie! In a fit of rage like a 2 year old with a dirty diaper, and a spoon in his highchair {another unique Superdaddyman power … just for the record} … Superdaddyman exclaimed as even tempered as possible “I was hoping to go to Polly’s on Saturday night like I always do, I even arranged a sitter.”

The look on her face was just horrifying, and Superdaddyman was about to cower in fear, for the first time in his heroic existence, as the “Grandmother of all the Evils’s” looked at him across the room and replied “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot, well you go on your date, and I will reschedule it for Sunday, I like her, she’s good for you.” … Superdaddyman was just shocked, and dismayed, the fear of it all, this evil plot that shows ONCE AND FOR ALL that it IS an evil CONSPIRACY, was only made 10 times scarier when she then added “I’ll make sure it get’s over before the Patriots game at 4.” … how ever will Superdaddyman get out of this great peril. ;8o)

Oh geeze … I am in a quandary today, as I have hardly anything funny to talk about. I mean there is a minor offensive going on in the “Operation Get Daddy” front as TOKE {The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s} are rallying a minor offensive, with the intent on plan codenamed “Trample Daddy’s Love Life”, but at this point it is merely a talked about point, and the true attack will not happen until Saturday night. That being said, it would hardly take up enough blog space, and I am not going to bother printing it to blog, if it isn’t mind numbingly long. My style yanno? The other part of my life that seems to be heating up is in the Pink Mafia, as Pope George … oops … sorry … King George … is now fascinated by the term “co-dependant”, and since his home life was all “Leave it to Beaver” it isn’t as easy to explain, as one would think. I still have to wait on that one, until I have a true outcome. I have “fill in” entries that I plan to use on the days that I can’t get up the inspiration to write, or I am out of town for the day, but all of those are my morose ones, “My name is Jeremy and I am a Drunk - Volume Whatevah“ types, and I really need a funny one today.
So I realized that it is up to me to try to create a little chaos that, otherwise wouldn’t come across naturally. The easiest way to do that is to go downtown, grab a coffee, and watch the business skirts as they walk by. No good EVER comes of that, and past experience has often taught me that I either do something humiliating, or run into someone humiliating, or both. I will admit that I got there at the perfect time too, about 4:10, when all the offices let out, so I was getting scenery to beat the band. Anklets are still in by the way {goodie}, and my desperate plea’s to God that the stockings with the lines up the back start becoming “the rave“ again, hasn’t quite been answered yet, but it gives me something to look forward too huh? After all praying usually works {goofy grin}, so I will continue to do so .. I probably should pause a moment here, for any of you who are harbored under the false delusion that I am NOT a pervert. I actually am, I just usually don’t take it out on other people … ok back to the important stuff. I was just starting to seriously enjoy the new spaghetti strap