From the Desk of the Jeremy Crow R&D Department - Volume 10

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I think I finally figured out how I am going to spend the years after I finally give my youngest daughter “the golden footprint” on her eighteenth birthday. Many people have often asked me what I was going to actually do when I throw the last child out, and usually I just give a glib answer that involves me driving west and never looking back, and never sending a forwarding address. As I get a bit older and a bit closer to my emancipation day, I find myself deciding that it is important for me to do something with my life, and hopefully blend it in properly with something that I either enjoy or at the very least have a passion for. It was just the other day on my way to work, when I was stuck behind a Masshole driving like he was drunk and retarded that a brilliant idea came to me. The best part is that it involves two things that I have a passion for even if they aren’t the sources of greatest enjoyment.

Now the two things that I happen to have an affinity for would be local politics and proper definitions of things around me. I don’t find much enjoyment in either but they do seem to keep me busy anyway. The last time I had had any fun in local politics was when I convinced enough people at the local town council meeting that succession from the state of New Hampshire might be the only way to avoid being the rest of the state’s “bitch” and in the end that fell apart when the people that made Massachusetts a shithole {and then moved to New Hampshire to get away from it} were able to get the proper numbers to start ruining New Hampshire the same way. They are smart enough to realize that they can’t afford their stupidity but not smart enough to stop being stupid in other words. This actually was the first time this great idea of mine came into being when I formulated a popular expression around here. Fucking Massachusetts!

Now think about it this way, since little pissant towns all across America change their names to something really stupid to gain attention anyway, why shouldn’t I find some border town out in western Massachusetts to start working my diabolical plot? I would move in, and start contaminating the local lexicon {shouldn’t be too hard, since they punch the card for every liberal that thinks they should pay like 17$ more every week for tolls} with some sort of spew here and there about how pathetic the economy is. I’ll bring up the clutch names that immediately close the minds of every self respecting Masshole, like Bush, Cheney, Palin, Newt, and even Bill Gates or various other angry white millionaires to blame the stagnant economy on. I’ll then rant about how Wal-Mart is the reason that nobody has jobs anymore {and they won’t even catch on to the fact that Wal-Mart has nothing to do with insurance, lending, and computer tech companies that have been doing the laying off out there} and then once I have them all lured into a false sense of hatred for everyone around them except me {because I am after all the voice of truth} I will put my political agenda into effect!

Please hold on a minute before you start thinking that I want a job IN politics, because despite being overpaid and most likely never going to have to get a real job again {especially in Mass} it wouldn’t be worth the ulcers. No what I am talking about here would be tantamount to immortality. I should have the small border hamlet that I have chosen to poison with my pap completely enthralled with the need to do anything to be one of “those” towns, before I can execute my true plan. “Those” towns being any place other than the one you stand where all the people that stole your happiness by being happier than you are. Surely I will sell that differently, but in this scenario I am more willing to just get to the point. Once I have done that I can probably convince the mind numb zombies of just about anything that will get a tremendous clamor for “change.” Everything is always about “change” and the state of Massachusetts has been desperately voting in change each and every time they hit the polls, and change occurs. Well actually change is usually all they are left with when they are done paying their taxes, but again I have my bevy of people to blame that it always works with, and a “plan.” The man with the plan, and everyone wants in with “that” guy.

It will be a powerful set of speeches that will bring the people of this poor hamlet the desperate need for “real” change, and “real” change is what we all need. I will take top the stumps of every street corner until everyone in the town can chant what I say word for word and by then it will simply be fact. The town will need to change it’s name. It will need a name that stands for something. It will need a name that can be easily remembered, and will make people flock there in droves to buy things. Souvenirs and such, and perhaps even start their businesses there, just so that they can say they are a part of “change” and ride that boat until it sink. Sinks from all the change I am sure but who can avoid a town with a catchy name? Haven’t we all at one time or another thought about sending our letters to the Bethlehem post office so that we can get that stamp on our Christmas Cards? I know I get at least 2 of those every year, and what would be better for a Massachusetts border town than Fucking Massachusetts?

I mean really the thought of being able to say “entering Fucking Massachusetts” or “leaving Fucking Massachusetts” has some serious appeal for people such as myself. Saying “I just came back from Fucking Massachusetts” or “I got lost in Fucking Massachusetts!” should be worth 20 or 30 million tourists a year alone! We could even go as far as to “License” the term Fucking at that point as we would have a geopolitical patent of sorts on the word! We could start charging Licensing fees on anyone that thinks they can use that word, and we could even go as far as the Franchise the name out to other towns in other states that didn’t have the balls to go there first! Picture entering Fucking Massachusetts and then driving through until you are in Fucking Connecticut {drive down 84 some time and you’ll learn that expression} until you get to Fucking New York! Fucking New York being a popular expression on the New York State Thruway.

Of course by this time the major commercial center of Fucking Massachusetts will be starting and most likely flourishing. The major plan being centered around the Fucking Airport. We should be able to steal a lot of business from Logan International almost immediately as travelers from around the world will be standing at ticket counters saying “that Fucking airport near Boston” and getting a ticket to Fucking Massachusetts. Everyone at one time or another has had to pick someone up from the Fucking airport so the semantics are there as well. We could get the state on board to legalize prostitution perhaps {as long as we promise some horribly oppressive tax on it} and then of course fucking in Fucking would be a major industry, along with the Fucking Hotel, the Fucking Casino, and of course the Fucking Mall. Men all over the planet have had to appeal to their significant other by escorting her to that Fucking Mall!

In the global scale of things, Fucking France, Fucking Germany, Fucking England and many other European cities would come out of this. Flying into Fucking France is commonplace to a lot of people already. Jaunting over to Fucking England can’t be that much of a stretch, and realistically the only place that I don’t think it would catch on would be Australia because lord knows they already have a Fucking Australia somewhere. You have to hand it to the Aussie’s but I don’t want them to start a whole licensing war with the idea that we here in Fucking Massachusetts are trying to accomplish. Then again if we could get a foothold on a community in Israel it would be a huge boon as everyone in the United Nations thinks the whole country is named Fucking Israel.

It always starts with a dream and a coherent plan. Progress as you can see is a global aspiration and we here at Crow Technologies Inc. will be here for all of your global deconstructionists needs. Should you need any support or advice in your plans to reconstruct a community please feel free to get a hold of me. Jeremy Crow, 1 Don’tgiveashit Way, Fucking Massachusetts 01469 ;8o)