Just a Rant

This IS going to be on of those types of blogs, so I suggest that, you all put on your language modulation devices so as not to see all of my swearing. Here is the truth, as I see it, and I am blogging it, and then I am dropping it. My life has been a total nightmare, over some rather cloak and dagger bullshit, that started happening a long time before I ever even realized what a blog was. I have been enjoying some undeserved celebrity through that which I write for too long and apparently this is how it all ends. I am furious, and the only thing I can think of is killing a man in another state that is out of my reach, but hopefully some day he will mess with someone who either can make the drive to cause his funeral, or simply meet his maker face to face. That is my honesty speaking, as I pray for that mother fucker because it was what I was taught to do in the halls of AA. I am pretty sure that he is beyond hope and my self righteous side takes over and simply believes that God should punish people like this, and I have a hard time interfering, as it is also part of my program of recovery to remember that I am not god, nor will I ever be.

My ruination started when the gang of friend that I have come to hang out with online more often than most these days, entered my life. I did what I usually do, and I started caring about them. They brought Jeff along. Bound by the rules of 360 I am not allowed to use his full name so I won’t, but I would love to unleash the wrath of everyone on this fucker trust me. Many of his friends hoped that I could help him out with his alcoholism, because they actually cared about him, but take it from an alcoholic, you can’t change some people. I listen to him long enough to realize that he was a manipulating bastard that only wanted to twist me around to get his friends to see him differently than what he is. His dishonesty was so obvious it sickened me, and his cutting way of disrespecting me was obvious, so I stopped actually paying attention to him, until the things he was doing was beginning to harm others. The overly emotional co-dependant in me wanted to assist in the removal of this demon, and I was so wrong for that, but his flagrant jealousy of me was not only insane, but dangerous.

I truly believed that I was strong enough a person to simply deal with his shit, as he was lying, and scheming, and creating identities {like Trish} to do whatever the hell his sick mind does. I still wish he was fucking dead, but once again that is just my honesty lashing out in the dark. I have been plagued with being the catalyst of this bullshit, and now dealing with people he has manipulated, and losing the very friends I thought I had has just totally poisoned me. I do not say that he has won, I just say that I need to recover from the last two weeks of total hell, that has condemned me to being less of a man then I was a month ago. I mean seriously, why the fuck wasn’t I just allowed to be happy, and not have this sick asshole even enter my life, and I just hate right now. I should have known, and right now I don’t care anymore. I had it brought to my attention that he is possibly at it again, and you know what, I agreed, but I leave that as everyone else’s problem now. I need to get away from all of that shit, and it includes everyone that I personally feel is involved with it. Fuck everyone, and those of you that get angry about that statement, tuff shit, it’s understandable enough.

I give my apologies to those of you that have come to depend on me for whatever it is, but I am sitting here at the end of what was supposed to be a beautiful little vacation, with a back that hurts so bad, that I can’t stand upright, and nothing but fear of every one of you. Fucking nice huh? Even if I desperately want to start apologizing, because I too am sick, I didn’t fucking deserve this. So sorry to be so blunt, but the facts still remain that I have to take care of me, and I feel no remorse any more for those I could have been there for, because I have officially been assassinated. Not quickly like the dagger in the back that most people think of when they deal with the type of total coward the Jeff is, but slowly and torturously, like the way an alkie dies. The only thing that rings in my head is the last words of those who were smart enough to protect themselves by getting the hell away from me, so now I am getting the hell away from me to, but not before I say my last bit on the whole subject …

Remove the soul from the man, and you are left with a monster. Remove the hope from that same man, and you are left with a very dangerous monster. When that monster comes for you, I hope that everyone is standing there to laugh at you ....

At least that is what I thought before I started writing this … Now I just want the antidote to the poison that is killing me … I don’t know anymore … You win assholes … good night ... {Oh and Heidi ... feel free to stop your wonderfully enlightened comments on the side any day now too ok? I'm not stupid enough to beleive you care anymore, but whatever is driving you to remind me of my faults these days, you finally do sound just like your hero Shawn ... so fuck off}